Category - Horrorscopes


AQUARIUS Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19 Harmony and understanding abound this month, Aquarius. Peace is guiding your planets, and some weird mystic revelation is going to be revealed. This all appears to have something to do with Valentine’s Day. So try not to mess it up. No grand gestures are needed. Lower...

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Jan. 2-Feb. 5, 2020

AQUARIUS Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19 It’s still winter, Aquarius, but it’s time for you to let the sunshine in. Open your eyes, open your heart, and open your pocketbook! Make a generous donation to a small local charity and feel your heart swell. Because if you don’t, and you continue your trademarked...

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Dec. 5, 2019-Jan. 1, 2020

AQUARIUS Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19 In the game of life, you are not being dealt a fair hand at all, Aquarius. That full house you hoped for is once again nothing but an empty house. Two of a kind? Not happening. Royal flush? That’s laughable. But try not to let all of this get you down. Giving in to...

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Nov. 7-Dec. 4, 2019

AQUARIUS Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19 You made it through October, Aquarius, and you were smart to follow our advice and stay inside. Now it’s time to get back out into the world. You have projects you’ve put on hold, relationships you’ve put on hold, and that nagging issue you need to see a doctor about...

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October 10-23, 2019

AQUARIUS Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19 Although you have shown yourself to be rather smart and creative in the past, this October is not the month to try to re-create any of that. You would be smart, rather, to stay inside and do as little interacting with others as possible. Read books, watch movies, listen...

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Sept. 12-25, 2019

AQUARIUS Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19 You were warned last month to keep your opinions to yourself, but did you listen? No, you didn’t, because Aquarius isn’t a listener. Aquarius is that sort of “mystical healer” who bestows life upon the land. At least in theory. In reality, you couldn’t keep quiet and you...

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August 29-September 10, 2019

AQUARIUS Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19 As summer winds down to fall, those long hot days in the sun are quickly replaced with evenings filled with family and friends. And although your natural tendency is to jump right into philosophical discussions during these social events, don’t do it. Clam up. Keep your...

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August 15-28, 2019

AQUARIUS Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19 Financial change is in your future. Take that stack of unpaid bills and toss them in the shredder. Then find a way to get off the grid. PISCES Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20 I really don’t have time to deal with you, Pisces. I have bigger fish to fry. ARIES Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20 If the...

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August 1-14, 2019

AQUARIUS Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19 You like water? Good, because all signs point to unrelenting wetness. You’ll get all kinds of skin rot in horrific, hard to get to body cavities. PISCES Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20 Who cares? Don’t fool yourself—hardly anybody except close family, if you’re lucky. And Pisces people...

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July 18-31, 2019

AQUARIUS Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19 Uranus is fooling around with Taurus, but that doesn’t mean much to you. Because not only do you not know anything about outer space, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE WATER! And that’s supposed to be your signage? Everything’s gonna suck. You understand that? PISCES...

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