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Horrorscopes

Dec. 5, 2019-Jan. 1, 2020

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

In the game of life, you are not being dealt a fair hand at all, Aquarius. That full house you hoped for is once again nothing but an empty house. Two of a kind? Not happening. Royal flush? That’s laughable. But try not to let all of this get you down. Giving in to defeat will sink you like Michael Jordan at the free throw line. Keep your chin up and get on out there. One of these days, the cards—and the stars—are going to line up for you. Just not this month.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

You’ll find yourself surrounded with an entirely new group of friends this month, Pisces. Friends who don’t want anything from you other than your company. And some money. Not a lot of money, but it’ll add up. So be careful. Your pockets are only so deep. And yes, it’s the holidays, but that doesn’t mean you need to pay off every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes your way. Spend your hard-earned money on your family and genuine loved ones instead, and this rocky road you’ve been treading will soon turn smooth.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Another lovely month is in front of you, Aries. And it’s the holiday season, so you have even more to look forward to. That generous spirit of yours really shines in December. And although your natural tendency is to claim a handful of Salvation Army Christmas Angels as your own, save some for the rest of us! You naturally spread good cheer in whatever you do, so once again, no advice is needed from this zodiac guru.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Oh, stubborn, stubborn Taurus. You ignored last month’s well thought out advice and decided to make yet another stand that proved you are almost always stubbornly wrong. And now it’s December. Don’t expect any gifts from your co-workers. In fact, don’t be surprised if you are “accidentally” left off the Secret Santa list. But put up your tree anyway. That’ll give you a glimpse of happiness, goodwill and cheer that you simply won’t experience anywhere but your own front room.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

The chaos that engulfs you will be even worse this month, Gemini. You have so many to-do lists, you had to go buy another ream of paper. If only you could realistically approach the holidays like normal people do. If only you could get rid of your overachieving hang-ups so you could actually achieve something. You aren’t jinxed, Gemini, your problems are your own creations. Suggest putting up a “Closed for Construction” sign and staying in bed all month. You’ll thank me later.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

A holiday romance is in the air for you, Cancer! Those annoying stars have finally lined up for love! It’s going to be a whirlwind of the wonder and excitement of a new relationship. There will be revelations and commitments and so many “a-HA!” moments you won’t be able to keep track. Unfortunately, this will only last a couple of weeks. So don’t spend your annual pay on a big significant gift, because guess what? It won’t be returned to you when those peaceful stars decide to collide.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Poor Leo. Almost everything you think about your life is absolutely untrue. “I have friends!” No, you don’t. “I have a social life.” No, you don’t. “I, I, I, I, I…” And therein lies your problem. You are so full of yourself there’s no room for anyone else. Your unpleasant personality and permanent scowl continue to alienate you. Try this—stand in front of a mirror and work at turning that upside down into a smile. Once you know how it feels to smile, try it out on humans. You’ll be surprised at how much a simple smile can do.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Despite yourself, Virgo, you somehow made it to December. But the very thought of everything you need to do in December is actually paralyzing you. Don’t let it. Your natural logical approach and systematic analysis of every aspect of the holidays will pay off for you if you do it right. Go ahead and make those lists you thrive on. Having it laid out will motivate you. And don’t worry about the planets this month either. They’re drifting around without any intention of thwarting you. This time.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

You’re so ahead of the game no one else should even consider playing, Libra. “Uncle! Uncle!” should be the only thing you hear as everyone around succumbs to your greatness. You have your multiple Christmas trees up, your house is engulfed in twinkling lights, and you’ve already purchased most of the gifts you planned to buy. It’s actually incredible how much you have accomplished and in such a short amount of time. Oh, to be a Libra!


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

December makes no sense to you this year, Scorpio. It feels random and nonsensical. It feels complicated and confused. It feels foreign. This is not because of the stars. This is because you just can’t seem to get a handle on your life. You run around like a bull in a china shop knocking over everything and everyone in sight. Try this—put your feet up and reflect on what’s really important. Do this, and 2020 may prove to be fruitful. IF you can calm down.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

This isn’t going to be a bad month for you, Sagittarius. It’s not going to be a good month either, but with your track record, not being a bad month is actually a good thing. And since it’s not going to bad, it would be a good time to try to do some good. Volunteer somewhere. Donate something of value. Buy meaningful gifts for your loved ones. Take advantage of the fact that the negative magnetism normally following you around will seemingly subside this month. Temporarily.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

After last month’s financial disaster, a windfall should be in the works for you. Should be, but it isn’t. And now it’s December, and you have all those Christmas expenses you no longer have any money for. This would be a good time to take on a second job. And take a hard look at your budget. Cancel those unread subscriptions, unused gym memberships, and weekly home cooking kits. You don’t have anyone to cook with anyway, so why bother?

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