Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19
Uranus is fooling around with Taurus, but that doesn’t mean much to you. Because not only do you not know anything about outer space, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE WATER! And that’s supposed to be your signage? Everything’s gonna suck. You understand that?
Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20
Venus slips around Leo late this month, on the 27th, to be exact. Does that mean anything to you? Of course not. It damn sure doesn’t mean much to me, and I’m an expert at everything to do with stars and with Greek mythology. I’m not sure you’re much of expert type at anything!
Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20
The full moon illuminates all that’s beautiful around you. Family, friends and pets follow you around. Your charm and personality are at all time highs. Enjoy every minute of a beautiful life.
Apr. 21 ‑ May 21
Oh, you’re so smart! Figure out your own damn horoscope. You don’t like the way things are going? Do something about it, you wimp. Check out the stars—they don’t look good. That’s one thing you can count on.
May 22 ‑ June 21
One thing is certain according to outer space and the planets and all that crap. YOU’RE NO GENIUS. You didn’t test well as a child, and you’ve gone downhill since then. You ever even try something simple, like a crossword puzzle? DON’T DO IT. It’d be humiliating.
June 22 ‑ July 22
Life would feel better if you just slowed down a little bit. Jesus, what’s the hurry? You ever notice you’re out of breath all the time? Who wouldn’t be? Take some sort of nap or something. Chill out.
July 23 ‑ Aug. 23
“Why is my horoscope so bad?” You’re always whining about something you know nothing about. That’s tough for someone WHO THINKS THEY KNOW EVERYTHING! Well, you don’t, and you don’t know anything about the damn stars. So settle down and quit whimpering.
Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23
Virgos aren’t so bad if you get to know them. They just freak out all the time. Mercury went retrograde, which should be a sign for you to take some deep breaths. It’s not good, and it’s not going to get much better, but you might as well breathe. Else you die.
Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23
This is almost too much. Venus entered Cancer earlier this month, and along with the full moon your lovability, your genius, and your casual success at everything you attempt just about reaches a cataclysmic peak of celebration. You are definitely number one when it comes to the universal truths revealed by the stars in the sky.
Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22
If you don’t like the pitiful nature of these continually horrific horoscope readings… TAKE YOUR BUSINESS SOMEWHERE ELSE! I’m delivering honest readings of the planets and meteors and stuff, and if you can’t handle it go find some hack star reader. I’m a very stable genius at reading these things.
Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21
Aries is cocky and bossy, and that’s never good for you. Plus, you’ve got too many damn letters in your sign. Who even knows what a Sagittarius is? I know, but that’s because I’m an expert at reading stars and meteors and all that stuff. Anyway, not a good month—or year—for you people.
Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20
Venus and Cancer get together. Big deal. Cancer also screws with the Saturn—that’s what throws you for a maniacal loop. That’s all true, but you’re such a dolt I could make up any old stuff and you’d believe it. Well, believe this…it’s going to be a real dismal month.