Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19
Saturn is in Capricorn, and you’d like to feel like the life of the party. One problem—you’re not going to get invited to any parties, and if you try to host a party no one is likely to come. Beware of getting scammed financially. Having so few interactions with humans makes you a difficult target to scam, but it can still happen. Your lucky number is 574.
Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20
It’s all about Mars/Neptune for you, and as usual things look sort of okay. At first. All of a sudden, nothing is okay. Things move quickly, and they move in an inexorable path to chaos and horror. They say keeping a prisoner in an isolation cell is torture. You’d give anything to be isolated from everyone and everything. All things fall apart. There are no lucky numbers. There are no unlucky numbers either. There is just…nothing.
Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20
The sun and Mars have squared. As always, things look strong for Aries. Later in the month, Mars enters Aries—all your wishes come true, your family thrives, pets are frisky, and your life is surrounded by beauty and serenity.
Apr. 21 ‑ May 21
Ah, the bull. Venus enters Scorpio and all hell breaks loose. Staying grounded will be an issue because the ground is less than steady—way less. Just standing still will be challenging—like being thrashed around in an earthquake, blown sideways in a hurricane, and slowly but inexorably sinking in a dark, stinky swamp. Cheers!
May 22 ‑ June 21
Mercury enters Scorpio and life as you know it changes dramatically. You’ll wake up one morning and won’t recognize a single person all day, because you’ve been transported to a world of violent upheaval. Sound familiar? Watch out for the numbers 3, 5, 6, 9 and 12. And 2 and 4.
June 22 ‑ July 22
The Venus-Neptune trine brings brilliant Illumination to a long-standing, overwhelming personal problem. The light will help you to finally realize THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. YOU ARE SCREWED. And avoid numbers 6, 8 and 14.
July 23 ‑ Aug. 23
It’s hard to believe that things could get any worse. But wait until Mercury goes stationary. It gets worse, and it gets worse quickly. Hide what few valuable possessions you have. Secure any equities in CASH. Hide the cash. Make sure NO ONE knows where you hide it. You can’t trust friends, and you’ve never been able to trust family.
Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23
The sun enters Capricorn, and Baby it’s Cold Outside. Your lack of practical skills makes homelessness a bad option—however, it shouldn’t be ruled out. Misunderstanding runs rampant. Be certain, though—all misunderstandings are your fault. Watch out for numbers 1, 2, 5 and 9.
Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23
Venus trines with Neptune on the 21st. To say that everything in life gets better would be a dramatic understatement. Your life would not be believable in a movie format. No one deserves the kind of luck, fortune, fame and all-encompassing love that you experience on a daily basis. Oh, to be a Libra. Being born in September is the ultimate affirmative action.
Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22
The full moon at the end of the month gives you hope and excitement. Don’t fall for it. Keep your expectations at a bare minimum. Set the bar low. Your ability to pull yourself out of the muck is laughable. You can’t even climb an actual ladder, much less a metaphorical one. Try to find peace in slovenliness, graft and medieval-like squalor.
Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21
Winter starts on the 21st, the shortest day of the year. You can’t get anything done on the long days of summer. Don’t kid yourself—the time of year, the weather, your current geography…nothing holds you back from accomplishment except for your desultory nature, your lack of even basic intelligence, and your ignorance of basic principles of human interaction. Watch out for the number 27.
Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20
The Venus-Saturn deal makes you feel even more unappreciated. On a day-to-day basis, year round, you should feel unappreciated because you are. Unless you can find a kindred spirit who is fond of people who are neither friendly nor attractive, you’re out of luck. If you can find someone who likes miserable, destitute, lackluster hypochondriacs, you’re in luck.