Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19
The power of Uranus urges you to change. But no, you stick to tradition. Tradition is great as long as it is built on a foundation of strength, intelligence, kindness, fairness and success. Unfortunately, your tradition has none of those qualities. You have lived on a platform of squalor, rudeness and failure. Good luck.
Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20
Your tendency to be a simpering sap continues. The always-curious Neptune rules for the next year. You’ll be the subject of scam after scam—never suspecting, always trusting. Please put anything valuable to you in a blind, securely locked trust. You will be played like an out-of-tune fiddle in one scheme after another.
Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20
I walked by a park yesterday and heard people chanting, “Aries! Aries! Aries!” It was like a USA or Roll Tide chant. Who has ever heard a chant for an astrology sign? You’re strong, Aries, and apparently getting stronger. It’s all good on your front.
Apr. 21 ‑ May 21
Doors open and they close. They close really fast for you this month. The full moon in Gemini opens some opportunities for you, and then—SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!—they close so fast you’ll be lucky not to get your thumb smashed.
May 22 ‑ June 21
The sun moves into Sagittarius and once again your ESP-ish abilities are on display. But your perceptions are 180 degrees from any sort of reality. They’re just wrong. And weird. If you have any ideas on betting, let me know. I’m going the other way.
June 22 ‑ July 22
It’s been a while, but—wow—everything is looking rosy for Cancer. Neptune turns direct this month, and with it everything swings sweet. Friendships, romance and creative opportunities abound. Intellectual pursuits soar. Intuition is at a peak. Settle in for a powerful, beautiful run of happiness.
July 23 ‑ Aug. 23
Mercury goes retrograde, and your swampy routine gets swampier. Aspects of your life feel like you’re knee deep in quicksand—he regularity of certain obligations drag you deeper into the mucky mire. Being a team player only works if you’re on a decent team. Meetings make you want to pull your hair out. That can be painful.
Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23
Ambition can be a positive, but rarely in your case. Again, with Mercury squaring Mars, you need to abandon plans, dreams and desires. Plans will be wrecked, dreams turn nightmarish, and desires are thwarted at every turn. It’s hard to be complacent in your current situation, but that is your only decent option.
Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23
You are ruled by Venus, the vamp that sets you up for another long period of success, balance, love, beauty, excitement, fulfillment, peace and good health. You’re so balanced you could have been a tightrope walker like Karl Wallenda. Your intuition is strong, your tendencies are stellar, and you set a sterling example for all humankind.
Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22
Mars is getting close to going direct. Your goals and dreams are clear. It is also clear that your best-laid plans crumble one after the other. Saturn will soon be home in Capricorn, but despite a good setup, your plans fall apart like a LEGO structure put together by a two-year-old, hyperactive child.
Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21
Jupiter plays a role through the rest of the year. Your laissez faire attitude toward life and relationships only works when people around you are decent, reasonable humans. How you looked around you? There is nothing reasonable about people these days. You need a sense of reality, not wishfulness.
Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20
You’ll have intense dreams all winter. Saturn rules, and the dreams will threaten to overwhelm your sense of reality. And the dreams will be realistic. In Technicolor. Vicious, brutal, violent dreams. The only medication to blunt the dreams will lead to dependency. Don’t sleep much.