Fifty Shades of Super Bowl

Beachcomber Editor Chris Manson with Beachcomber Music Award nominees Stephanie Helm and Ray Keller at a recent hip-hop show in Destin featuring Strange Tang, Chris Carter and Mixture.

A compromise has been reached concerning this year’s National Football League championship game, to be played Sunday, Feb. 7, in San Francisco. The old-timers objected to replacing the traditional Roman numerals, while the hip young marketing experts argued that “Super Bowl L” would be mispronounced as “Super Bowl El.”


They also pointed out the worst-case scenario, that the extra “L” at the end of “Bowl” would be recognized by most folks as a typo and contribute further to the dumbing down of America.


So the switch was made to Arabic numerals—“Super Bowl 50”—despite the objections of presidential wannabe Donald Trump, who hates anything Arabic. Nice to know that the good guys won that round. But don’t worry, Mr. Trump (do I sound like Arsenio Hall on Celebrity Apprentice?)—you can still have your war with China if you make it to the White House.


Anyway, it’s hard for me to get excited about this year’s big game, since my pathetic Chicago Bears failed me again. Also, I’ve been reading Jeanne Marie Laskas’ Concussion—the source material for the recent movie starring Will Smith—and it’s almost impossible for me to get with the NFL (or NF50, if you like) now. I’m 78 percent of the way through Laskas’ book, and I don’t see a happy ending coming.


Perhaps the NFL’s biggest bonehead move this year was booking the Worst Band on Earth for the halftime show. Whatever you think of the late, great David Bowie, he did have the good sense not to collaborate with Coldplay.


The Bowie-Coldplay thing paved the way for what I thought would be an excellent “listicle” for this issue, “50 Music Acts That Would Be Preferable to Coldplay for the Super Bowl Halftime Show.” Of course, there was no way to narrow that list down to 50. By the time I got to “Peyton Manning Singing the Nationwide Insurance Jingle Live,” I had already filled up three legal pads and was well into quadruple digits.


Abysmal music aside, I hope you enjoy this year’s game, whether you’re watching it on your sofa with a big dog in your lap or venturing out to one of the great local spots like AJ’s and Landshark’s Pizza in Destin or Fokker’s Pub in Downtown Fort Walton Beach.


Also, if you like the commercials this year, go out and buy those advertisers’ products so they can make more commercials.

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