If you’re not on Twitter, you’re missing out on what my very good friend Stephen King says is “like gossiping over the world’s longest backyard fence.”
Mr. King—I mean, Steve—has nearly five million followers on Twitter. That’s considerably higher than the number of people that voted for President Trump (306 Electoral College members).
To be fair (and balanced), our fearless leader has something like 53 million Twitter followers that must have cost him a lot of money. Even if you paid those people Spotify rates to follow you—fractions of pennies—that’s several hundred dollars out of pocket.
Anyway, a few months ago, Steve tweeted the Beachcomber cover he appeared on with his dog Molly, which makes him the Best Person on Earth, as well as the Best-Selling Author in the World (screw you, James Patterson, unless you want to be in our magazine, too).
I don’t bother with Facebook anymore because they tried to steal what was left of my soul. I rarely look at Instagram unless someone tags Beachcomber in a photo. I’m not really sure what the hell Pinterest is for. And I have about 3,000 MySpace messages I still haven’t answered.
Twitter, on the other hand, I find very userfriendly. I like the simplicity (of the app itself as well as most of the people on there). I like that I don’t waste a lot of time on it—I usually find something morally repugnant about 10 tweets down my feed that causes me to exit and/or throw my smartphone across the room.
If this doesn’t happen to you, you should consider following a more diverse group of tweeters.
Beachcomber has a lot of followers on Twitter— about 9,000 at this writing—and we’ll generally follow anyone back that isn’t a Nazi or a Ku Klux Klan member in good standing.
Another thing I love about Twitter—the polls. True, you can only list four options, but there’s also less thinking involved. I mean, two choices is enough for most of our elections, and look how well those have gone in recent years.
And you don’t even have to ask a question if you don’t want to. Here are the results of some recent Beachcomber Twitter polls:
Cake – 63% | Pie – 37%
Craft Beer – 23% | Whatever’s on Sale This Week – 77%
Impeach Now – 2% | Appoint Emperor of America for Life – 98%
Okay, the results of that particular poll were a little sobering, even for a Professional Drinker like me.
“Georgy Porgy” – 52% | “St. George and the Dragon” – 48%
That one did require a question, which was “What Toto song should Weezer cover next?”
Twitter provides me with valuable marketing information, at no cost except for the very little time I put into it. Which beats paying someone $3.75 an hour to do it the old-fashioned way.
That said, dear readers, give Twitter a try. Follow @BeachcomberFL. Keep the conversation going. And remain civil, whatever that means.
- Editor Manson
OTHER TWITTER ACCOUNTS YOU SHOULD FOLLOW
Occasional Beachcomber contributor and Northwest Florida State College Gay-Straight Alliance faculty adviser David Simmons reports that the June 23 Niceville Pride Walk drew hundreds of people. “It couldn’t have gone better,” he says. “Remarkable for a small, conservative town like Niceville!”