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Horrorscopes

Sept. 12-25, 2019

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

You were warned last month to keep your opinions to yourself, but did you listen? No, you didn’t, because Aquarius isn’t a listener. Aquarius is that sort of “mystical healer” who bestows life upon the land. At least in theory. In reality, you couldn’t keep quiet and you caused a major rift between you and someone who you really don’t want to be rifting with. Apologize and it’ll be over. And not some mystical apology either, a real apology is in order. Enough said.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

You have been struggling recently with some kind of weird obsession bordering between fantasy and reality. You need to let go of this and move on. That weird obsession is just that, and it’s not ever going to become your reality. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but come on Pisces, we’ve been here before, and you know how this is going to end.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Your natural tendency for bold and ambitious behavior is paying off. You are once again Number One! Numero Uno! The best, the winner, the pride, the envy of all. That little project you dove into headfirst? That paid off in a big way. Keep that in mind this month. Anything and everything you attempt will be a winner. You are, after all, an Aries.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

You must certainly know that Taurus is an earth sign represented by the bull. And like the bull, you are bullheaded. And you have once again butted heads with another Taurus who is also bull headed. You’d think you would learn. You either need to stop hanging out with other Tauruses or you need to stop being so bullheaded. Which isn’t going to happen because it just isn’t your nature. So take a chill pill and retreat to your bull cave for a while, Taurus. It’ll do us all some good.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Your chaotic lifestyle has taken a sudden turn to include havoc and catastrophe. You can’t clone yourself, Gemini, so what you should do instead is let go of some of the craziness that you call your life. You’re busy for no reason. You have too many interests, too many pursuits, and too many tasks at hand. Tear up that to-do list this month and take a break from the insanity.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

You’ve moved on, Cancer, and are in hot pursuit of a brand new love interest. Unfortunately that love interest is not at all interested in you. Your intuitive abilities make that person (and almost everyone you meet) very uncomfortable. Suggest you keep all that to yourself for a while, take a break from chasing after yet another failed relationship, and use your intuitions to figure out what the heck is wrong with you.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Your elevated sense of self worth is driving everyone around you crazy. It’s easy to think that as a Leo you are like some kind of king of the jungle. But you are not. You really are not. And you need to quit acting like you are. Haven’t you noticed your cell phone isn’t ringing? Your calendar is empty? You’ve been eating frozen dinners every night alone in front of the TV? Calm down, Leo, just calm down.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Your logical approach to life has gotten you nowhere, Virgo. Your practicality and systematic approach has really done nothing more than alienate you from your family and so-called friends. Being a perfectionist has a downside, and that downside is loneliness. Try jumping into something without giving it that second, third and fourth thought, and you’ll most likely be rewarded with companionship you haven’t experienced in quite some time.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Balance and harmony abound, Libra. As usual, you’ve done everything right, and the symmetry and perfectionism that does not work for others (see Virgo) always works for you. Keep it up, Libra, and you’ll go farther than even you can dream of going. You don’t actually need any luck, but lucky numbers this month are 3, 6, 10, 20, 22 and 33!


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

You need to steel yourself, Scorpio, because this month is going to be nothing but another wild ride. You will be misunderstood, misrepresented, misinterpreted, misguided, mischaracterized, and worst of all, surrounded in miserableness. Take a step back, hunker down, and take a much-needed break from the rest of the world. Unfortunately, you won’t be missed, but you’ll feel better in the long run.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Your natural quest for knowledge is going to be the end of you, Sagittarius. You need to put down the cell phone/notebook/laptop and look at the world from a child’s point of view. A very young child who doesn’t have a cell phone/notebook/laptop yet. Take in the world without having to know what you don’t know immediately. Because it’s going to spell disaster for you this month if you don’t.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

One of these months the stars are going to line up for you, Capricorn, and you’ll hear some good news about what’s in store. But that isn’t this month. No, this month is another whacked out month where you will not fall in love, will not get ahead, will not make any kind of progress on anything at all, and will not have a single lucky number. The good news is if you keep to yourself nothing really bad will happen.

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