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Horrorscopes

August 29-September 10, 2019

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

As summer winds down to fall, those long hot days in the sun are quickly replaced with evenings filled with family and friends. And although your natural tendency is to jump right into philosophical discussions during these social events, don’t do it. Clam up. Keep your opinions to yourself. Just nod and smile no matter what. You’ll be glad you did, and that’s all that can be said about that.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

You are exceptionally emotional and ultra-sensitive right now. You want to reach out to your loved ones to share those emotions and indulge in your sensitivity. Don’t do it. You’ll only be disappointed. Those loved ones have reached their limit with your whining, self pitying, and emotional quicksand. Spend time alone instead, and give those loved ones a break.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Ah, Aries. Even the sound of “Aries” will illicit oohs and aaahhhhhs. Such a beautiful sound. And such a beautiful life. Your passion and adventurous spirit prevails. The stars line up for you on such a routine basis there isn’t even a reason to read your Horrorscope. It’s going to rock, always! You are an inspiration to all. Anyone lucky enough to be an Aries is lucky enough.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

You are supposedly so grounded, Taurus. The one to bring all the rest of us down to earth. You bring us down alright. Your bitter, moody self-loathing is too much for the rest of us to bear. You need to take some time—a LOT of time—thinking about what in the heck is wrong with you? Why are you so bitter? Why do you have to smear us all with your self-loathing? Take some time to figure it out, Taurus…we all are begging you to take that time.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

We know August was rough for you, Gemini. It was chaotic, unconnected, and full of crisis. Unfortunately, September isn’t going to be any better. Add a serious confrontation with a co-worker into the mix, resulting in a total lack of trust (and possibly the loss of your job) and that’s what you have to look forward to. To avoid this, take some time off from work. Maybe use that PTO you’ve been saving for the past 12 years. A vacation will do you good.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

You love profound conversations. You love intimacy. And you love mystery. Unfortunately, your significant other also loves all those things, but not with you. Better take a close look at exactly what is going on, and don’t do your normal “sticking your head in the sand” thing. Time to move on, and next time, don’t pick another Cancer for your partner. Duh.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Recently you impressed someone with an act of physical strength that really said “Leo.” But it also said “OWW!” and you’ve been paying for it ever since. You need to see a doctor. You need pain meds and, at some point, physical therapy to fix that thing you hurt. You know what I’m talking about. Next time you want to impress someone, try using your brain, not your brawn. ‘Cause your brawn ain’t that great.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

You’ve been there for that special someone, haven’t you, Virgo? Through thick and thin, sickness and health, good times and bad. You’ve talked yourself out of and into so many situations with this special someone you should win a trophy for loyalty. As well as dumb. That’s right. You’re being dumb, Virgo. That special someone is using you and won’t give a second thought when they decide to toss you out with yesterday’s mail. Just sayin.’


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

It has to get old, Libra, having so many people shower you with accolades on a daily basis. Your perfect communication skills, your ability to sympathize, empathize and rationalize helps so many people on so many levels so many times. You are genuinely amazing. Libra. Perfect.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

You are one of the three water signs, Scorpio, and are also in the same boat as the other two. Cancer and Pisces are both doomed this month, and so are you. Watch for heavy rain, tropical storms and even a hurricane or two. It’s just not going to happen for you during this particular time period. Probably best to don those rain boots and start trudging through it.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

You see yourself as an inspiration for many. You may be a teacher or a leader of some kind. And maybe you have been an inspiration in the past. But this month? No. You need to take a break from that whole leading thing. Get a substitute. Take time away from work. Forget mentoring or any kind of role where you are supposedly a role model for others. It will result in what can only be described as long-term disaster.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the stars are all whacked out this month for you, Capricorn. It seems that special thing you’ve been saving up for will only bring you misery and unhappiness. Don’t buy it. Stick your money back under the mattress and find something else to bring you comfort and joy. The shopping channel has a lot of good stuff to choose from. Stay away from that one thing. You know I’m right.

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