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Horrorscopes

August 15-28, 2019

Published on

AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Financial change is in your future. Take that stack of unpaid bills and toss them in the shredder. Then find a way to get off the grid.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

I really don’t have time to deal with you, Pisces. I have bigger fish to fry.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

If the stars fell out of the sky, things would still look great for you. You are the Avengers: Endgame of human beings.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

You shouldn’t let the fact that your name appeared in Jeffrey Epstein’s little black book upset you too much.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

You thought August was bad? Wait till you see what’s in store for September.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

The stars are laughing at you behind your back.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

I’d tell you the upcoming two weeks were looking really good for you, Leo, but I’d be lion.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Not looking good, Virgo. Time to book that space shuttle trip you’ve been thinking about for years.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

You’re as great as they come, Libra. No need to read Beachcomber’s Horrorscopes to affirm that.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Sometime in August, your dogs will come to the realization that they absolutely do not like you. Get ready.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Stop looking to the planets and stars for guidance and focus on more earthbound concerns. Did you know Burger King was selling tacos now?


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

As always, the end is near. It’s just nearer for you than most folks.

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