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Horrorscopes

August 1-14, 2019

Published on

AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

You like water? Good, because all signs point to unrelenting wetness. You’ll get all kinds of skin rot in horrific, hard to get to body cavities.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

Who cares? Don’t fool yourself—hardly anybody except close family, if you’re lucky. And Pisces people aren’t known for having good luck. Stars and planets wish they could ignore Pisces.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Always a life of beauty and peace. And happiness, friends, family, pets, beautiful memories and wonderful days ahead. Life stays full.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Nothing but dark skies. No stars. Probably not good.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Everything’s so chaotic for Geminis—planets aren’t powerful enough to yank you out of a disastrous month.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

The stars have nothing to do with your lack of incentive. Blame it on something else.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Not good. Getting worse. You trend down, down, down.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

You’re a nice person—that’s why it’s so hard to see your sign point to a maelstrom of trouble and sadness.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Rarely are champions only successful in one area of life. Heroism, altruism, commitment to helping others-ism…these things are second nature to Libras. We need more people born in late September.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Some 25,000 odd people will be raptured up into heaven (it’s in the Bible). You’re not one of them. This gives you the go-ahead to misbehave…what difference does it make?


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

The orbs in the sky have no meaning for you people.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

The end of the world is coming. Go ahead and build that bunker and load it up with canned soup, bottled water and ammo. It’ll be fun!

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