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Horrorscopes

July 4-17, 2019

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Ah, Aquarius. This is easy. It always is when Venus slips into Cancer. Life is a big bundle of joy, excite-ment, reward and can’t-miss opportunities. Your sensitivities in all areas of the arts, finance and philos-ophy are in focus. The world is like a big, slick calm ocean and your breeze through it with grace and understanding. This is as good as life gets—enjoy every minute.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

The last half of July has your sign in a position for near disaster. You fall for every scam that exists. A new workout routine? Scam. A financial opportunity? Scam. A new romantic partner? Major scam! Don’t be so trusting, you twit. People ARE out to get you, and you make it so easy. Toughen up!


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Venus enters Cancer, and even though your life couldn’t get much better, it does. Your family grows, and friends appear from long ago. Never a dull moment…and all your moments are filled with happiness.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

The darkness of the solar eclipse will be compensated by reams of endless fireworks—in the sky and in your life. You’ll feel like M-80s are going off in your stomach (ulcers), and you’ll have constant cherry bomb explosions in your head—at night—and they are disturbing flashbacks from a youth poorly spent.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Mercury is retrograde, and this gives you time to meet others like you. It’s hard to find people with the array of unattractive and desultory habits and tics that you posses, unless you’re wandering through the freak show section of the circus. Good luck.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

Capricorn’s full moon means lots of your relationships come to an end. It could be a chance for you to reassess your life, and to remove yourself from the bizarre group of misfits you run with. Drunks, louts, degenerates, misfits…they’ve been your pals. But now you don’t have any friends at all.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Eclipses are everywhere. Don’t do anything risky. Risky like taking out the garbage. For God’s sake, stay away from the water. And hills. And sidewalks. Weird stuff is happening, and you can’t do anything about it.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

The partial lunar eclipse is perfect for your partial life. You’re partially happy. Partially sad. Partially ug-ly. Partially dumb. Partially healthy. Partially in poverty. Partially all kinds of stuff. Find something, for once, and embrace it.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

You have never recognized limitations on greatness. Duh! That’s why you’re so great. Your accomplish-ments pile up by the hour and when the final chapter is written, the chapter on your successes alone will be more than 600 pages. But the story of your life is so glorious, it will be a pleasure for great writers to fight over the rights to your biography.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

All the eclipses bring you an almost ESP-type clairvoyance. One small problem—the future is bleak and getting bleaker. You just get to see it in advance. Oh, Jesus. Your special brand of foresight allows you only to see the really bad stuff, and it is really bad stuff. No need for avoidance planning…it’s way too bad for that.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

The stars are screaming at you to cut your losses. Um, hello. To have losses you’ve got to have gains, right? You’ve been losing in nearly every area of life for so long there’s no such thing as taking profits. You have to cut losses that are already losses so they won’t become greater losses? Sheeesh.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

The sun barges into Leo, and the pace of your life changes abruptly. Like a very slick, heavy ball rolling down a steep hill filled with sharp, misshapen rocks, you are in for a ride no one can imagine. Bam, bang, ooof, ouch, crunch! One painful long downhill crash.

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