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Horrorscopes

June 6-19, 2019

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Things fall apart quickly this month. DO NOT follow your heart! DO NOT follow your brain! DO NOT take any advice from your idiot friends! Keep any decisions, even the simplest ones—like what kind of cereal to eat in the morning—to a bare minimum and flip a coin. You can’t do worse than screw up half the time.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

You are like a magnet for trauma. All kinds of trauma—physical, emotional, mental, and psychic (whatever that is). You are like a one-person trauma unit. Hospitals don’t even staff enough doctors to deal with the range of trauma you carry with you. Just settle down, you boob. You’re wearing everyone down with constant, frantic hissyfits.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Mars is in Cancer, and it’s a great time to enjoy old friends and revel in a life well lived. The rest of this year will be filled with joy, happiness, and good health. Business and personal decisions will be easy and successful. Spend time outside and enjoy all the people who adore you.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

The full moon mid-month will bring a chaotic array of issues you don’t want to face but you can’t ignore. Financial affairs will be horrifically tangled in an indecipherable legal maelstrom. Love affairs will fall to the wayside. Friends will be impossible to find.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Sometimes a new moon brings new opportunities. Not this one. You can’t escape previous missteps that show your callous disregard for your fellow man. The scams you’ve perpetrated are coming to a head—filled with pus and blood and an unidentifiable, viscous goop. Only safe alternative is to move far away—try your scheming scams on some new suckers.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

The sun enters Cancer and unfortunately, you force yourself into serious reflection on your past indiscretions. The brutally ugly nature of your modus operandi is in full disclosure. The book needs to be closed on your sordid past but as gross as the story goes, it’s a hard book to put down.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Prepare for the solar eclipse next month. Preparation should include an underground shelter, canned goods, weaponry, and total isolation. You need to be subjected to solitary confinement so that you can reflect on your self-centeredness, and also because you can’t find anyone willing to be around you.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Venus enters Gemini, and you find a way to squander the pitifully few opportunities that come your way. Somehow, against all odds, you continue to accept challenges for which you are ill prepared…and, of course, the results are horrendous. Do us all a favor and just don’t do anything. Sit on the sofa, watch TV, and eat sacks of Bugles (those corn chip things are actually pretty good).


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Rarely have the brilliance and balance and battle-tested stability that Libras take for granted been so evident. Your strength in all areas is abundantly clear. Libras are number one for a reason. I’m not sure what the reason is—and it doesn’t even matter what the planets are up to—but Libras are securely blessed with excellence and superiority in every facet of life.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

You were born under a boring sign, and you’ve never stopped whining. I had four teeth just fall out of my mouth this morning. I had the lower part of my left leg and my right forearm chewed off by a shark this afternoon. Guess what? Not even a whimper! Oh, but things are so tough for Scorpios! Give me a break.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Venus enters Gemini, and you get more emotional than normal. And normal for you is pretty pitiful. Don’t take every negative comment as an attack. Most of the demeaning descriptions regarding your personality and appearance are based on hard, cold facts. Do something. Take a Dale Carnegie course. It couldn’t hurt.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

The sun enters Cancer mid-month. It’s a time for you to change your approach to everything. Instead of taking things a day at a time, you might want to take things a minute at a time. You can screw up so much in one day it’s amazing. Break it down to the minute and you might be less destructive.

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