You worked very hard to get where you are today, graduates, and now it’s time for you to get out into the world. (The dean would say don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, haha…) And you don’t need the stress of paying off college loans as you embark on your path to adulthood.
Okay, some of you yahoos partied for four years straight, and I’m surprised you’re actually standing here with the graduating class. Hell, I’m surprised some of you are still alive. Hey, you, did anyone ever tell you that you look like that lady on Full House?
Anyway, I know most of you grew up getting participation trophies no matter how bad you sucked at whatever sport your parents signed you up for. None of the music you listened to growing up was any good at all, and the grownups in your life never had the heart to tell you. You’re used to living the stress-free, nothing-bad-is-ever-gonna-happen-to-me life.
With that in mind, I am stepping up to pay off all of your student loans—please hold your applause until I’m finished, I know you can’t help the gasping—but only if you promise to do a few things for me.
First, learn how to write. In cursive. Because you’re going to have to sign things at some point. I’m surprised you haven’t already.
Also, you’ll need to put your damn smartphone down for at least an hour a day. And I don’t mean during your nap. Hey, you’re young, why the hell do you need a nap?!
I would kindly request that you volunteer a small chunk of your life to a branch of the armed services. About eight to 10 years should be sufficient. Afterwards, they might invite you to join the American Legion, which is still the coolest place to drink around town.
Vote, whether it’s Trump versus Mayor Pete (sorry, Joe Biden, not gonna happen) or one of your local elections. Take a selfie in the voting booth to present to me as proof.
Be kind to one another. Be kind to children. Be kind to old people. Be kind to animals.
To the young men—never, ever tell a woman what to do with her body.
To the young women—never, ever let a man tell you what to do with your body.
And finally, get together with your peers to figure out how to save the planet, because the previous generations screwed it all up.
Love, Editor Manson
DANCIN’ WITH MANSON
Thanks to everyone who came out for the benefit for Editor Manson at Destin’s Graffiti & the Funky Blues Shack May 20. It was a wonderful evening, with great performances by Donnie Morgan, Nic Turner’s Neil Young tribute band Rust & Gold (attention guitarist Scott Rockwood—you have a dozen or so new fans), Marc Harris & JAB Wilson (a/k/a the 78s, and thanks for inviting the guest of honor up on stage to sing Lou Reed’s immortal classic “Rock & Roll”), Lucky Strike, and Finga FAYA (with special guest Nik Flagstar).
We were lucky to get Aimee Shaffer to emcee the one night of the year when she wasn’t already booked, and Jim Clark did his magic behind the camera. (If you’re wondering what the cool event on any particular day is, just find out where Jim Clark is going to be.)
Among those spotted in the crowd—Act4Mystery’s Paula Hilton and family, Editor Manson’s sister Tara, Beachcomber contributors Nikki Hedrick and Bill Herrin, Cheryl and Denny Jones, Cat Rhodes, Bill Garrett (whose new CD is a must), Binky Buckwalter, Milton “Butch” Stucker, Q’werty’s Hope Given and Christian Mayes, and way too many more to mention.
Huge thanks, too, to Chuck and Carmen Stiles and their amazing team. We should do this every week, but please, no more heart attacks…
YOUR THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS
Love his answers to the last two questions (“One on One with Musician Chris Hayes” by Samantha Lambert, May 9-22 Beachcomber), especially the last one.
– Luellen Warren
So sad, Charles, for your family (“Farewell to the Perfect Dog” by Charles Morgan III, May 9-22 Beachcomber). He was a great dog.
– Linda Quinlan
I knew Chris had a heart (“My Heart Attack Year” by Editor Manson, May 9-22 Beachcomber). This just proves it.