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Horrorscopes

May 9-22, 2019

Published on

AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

You’re the water sign, all right. And that doesn’t just mean gin clear tropical seas. It mostly means septic stuff and algae and funky, brackish, sulfur-smelling wastewater. And floods and stuff.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

Once again, what’s the point? Try to cheer you up with some kind of hocus pocus planetary junk? Forget it. Get a life! Try working and being fair to people and nice, too. And quit pitying yourself and try, try, try a little tenderness to others.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Nothing but blue skies…from now on. Just when you think it can’t get better, it gets way better. Everything is in Technicolor, and life floats by on a giant screen.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

If you think anything in the planets, the stars or the skies can turn your life around, you’re having a silly daydream. It sucks and gets worse.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

You don’t have any lucky numbers or colors or days of the week. You’re so unlucky it’s boring. Your pets don’t even like you anymore.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

Got lemons. Make lemonade? You got ugli fruit, and even if you had lemons, you couldn’t follow a simple recipe that ONLY involves sugar and water.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Lion my ass. You’ve got the fortitude of a weak, runty, malnourished kitten with no hope of ever being rescued.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

It’s been worse. I guess you could look at it that way. But not much worse. And the way you look at stuff is so weird and warped, you can’t recognize up from down or good from bad.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Life is a cabaret, my friend. It’s like you’re in a hit musical and you’re the star—dancing, singing, and doing all kinds of totally athletic gymnastic-type stuff. You really are something else!


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Mercury moves into Taurus, and life falls apart quickly. Try to call 911 and see how much one of those switchboard operators can help. You’ll have them weeping with your sob stories until THEY need help.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Day in and day out, you might be the unluckiest of all the signs. Surely, you say, things will change at some point. Oh, no, they won’t. Trends are trends for a reason, and you’re trending straight down into the netherworld of despair.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

Saturn is home now, and that just means more of the same crap. You expect things to change. NEVER. How about you trying to change instead of gambling on the stars to do it for you?

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