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Notes from the Apocalypse

Notes from the Apocalypse

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By Charles Morgan III

 

Our society faces a seemingly endless number of critical issues today. On an international, national and local level, political, environmental and social arguments abound on topics that range from tariffs, weapons bans, immigration, climate change, drug policy, health care, criminal justice reform, constitutional issues, minority rights, student loans, corporate fraud, the #MeToo movement, and challenges surrounding the rights of people with different sexual orientations.

 

A problem that has existed under the radar for many years—and one that is personal for me—involves the practice of middle-of-the-night hunger, the situation involving seemingly normal people who wake up in darkness with an insatiable appetite.

 

Nighttime hunger is a malady that I have dealt with for decades. Unsuccessfully. I have officially given up the fight and now intend to embrace it as an incurable—but in an odd way—benign illness.

 

I do not smoke marijuana. But now that medicinal marijuana is legal in the state of Florida, the issues regarding middle-of-the-night feeding are becoming commonplace. Many of the people who are receiving prescriptions for pot suffer from anxiety and sleeplessness issues. It is only natural that they will face the problems of nighttime hunger. My experiences with this condition may prove helpful.

 

One of the motivating factors in my rampaging around in the kitchen at night is the seemingly real possibility that I will die during the night of starvation. Steps to insure safe nocturnal noshing must be taken.

 

Logistics vary from household to household, but one important goal is to not disturb pets or people in your home. With practice, this can be accomplished in total darkness and near silence.

 

Practice navigating your path to the kitchen. The major potential pitfalls in my house are sleeping dogs. Tripping over a dog in the middle of the night and breaking a hip can be a problem. You will be surprised how acute your night vision will become over time.

 

Anther obstacle to successful dining in the dark is the crinkly noise made by opening boxes of cookies. Dogs—even old, nearly deaf dogs—can hear the sound of wax paper being ripped open. They accurately associate that sound with cookies and will come out of a dead sleep to participate in the event. You must learn how to access and eat your food quietly.

 

There are four basic food groups for late evening enjoyment. Graham crackers, vanilla wafers, sugar wafers, and Double Stuffed Blonde Oreo cookies are the options. It is critical that you stick with Nabisco products. The off-brand versions of these cookies are not acceptable.

 

If you have a talented baker in the house, oatmeal/raisin or chocolate chip cookies or Rice Krispy treats are excellent also.

 

The key element of all these foods is that they require no assembly. Other attractive foods like ice cream, peanut butter/graham crackers or vanilla wafers, and even bowls of cereal take too much time and equipment to accomplish successfully in the dark.

 

By limiting your intake to the four major food groups you can secure the cookies, return to bed, and resume sleeping with little effort. I’ve managed to actually fall back asleep with cookies still in my mouth.

 

Whether you view nighttime eating as a psychological condition, lack of discipline and control, or just a personal weakness…it doesn’t really matter. We all have battles to fight and I’ve chosen not to wage war on this one.

 

I have embraced this condition and through trial and error found a way to manage it. In doing so, I’ve overcome the fear of dying in my sleep of hunger.

 


 

Matt Gaetz’s Greatest Fails (So Far)

  1. Voted against background checks on gun purchases.
  2. Voted for ban on live birth abortion, which is already illegal. It’s called infanticide.
  3. Threatened Michael Cohen.
  4. Lied about the wall being built.
  5. Called Robert Mueller a glorified hall monitor.
  6. Called for Parkland shooting victim’s father to be removed from congressional hearing.

 

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