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Horrorscopes

April 25-May 8, 2019

Published on

AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Mars is rooting around, causing a hectic period for romantic relationships. Remember what those are? It’s been a while—now is the time for serious research. Try FarmersOnly.com or Tindr or something. It might be fun. It might not be.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

Balance can be hard to find. Your problem is everything is aslant as though you were on a Tilt-A-Whirl. Socially, businesswise, on the family front…all is whirling. Your nausea is understandable. Dark rooms, aspirin, and a cold compress on your forehead might help.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

So far so good. And with Mercury and Venus joining in, things are about to get much better. Your social life continues to flourish and new friends appear from unusual places. One foot in front of the other, and life continues to be joyous.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Hormones go berserk. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry. When laughter and tears occur simultaneously, it can be difficult to avoid nausea and vomiting. Try to avoid confusing emotional wishes with realistic events.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Pluto goes retrograde, and your refusal to let go of brutally uncomfortable past events ruins just about everything. You seem to have a photographic memory, but you only remember the bad stuff. Ease up on that. Try to focus on the future.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

Venus is a ruse this month. All opportunities that present themselves are actually catastrophes waiting to happen. And you won’t have to wait long. Find a library and hide way back in the stacks of the reference area and do not frequent cafés or bars. Lucky number is 114.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Mercury is morphing again, and that leaves you with a bothersome relationship. Any new relationships will be more cumbersome that the one you’ve got now. So forget it—make up with that special person. At least you’ll be miserable with someone you know.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Accept no invitations. Do not try the latest exercise or diet fad. Avoid new relationships. Changing your pitiful routine could be catastrophic. Just keep waddling away at mundane tasks like always—it’s not much, but it’s safer than any possible alternative.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Libras have been on a roll for a long, long time, and that roll will continue…quite possibly forever. It’s even more than the alignment of the stars—there’s something so special about Libras’ ability to succeed, thrive, flourish, and live life in an exemplary manner. Hats off to Libras.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

You are doomed to learn new things about yourself. For God’s sake, steer way away from introspection. The deeper you look, the nastier it gets. Forget about the past and try to somehow look forward. Not far forward. Just a little bit. The past is not friendly.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

You need a total makeover—not just physically and mentally. You need to rearrange your work habits, leisure activities and love life in a way that makes some kind of basic sense. Try hiring a life coach. It’s a long shot, but you never know.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

Pluto is pushing, and you can feel it. Remember when scabs form or when chancres dry up or when your scalp itches, that can all be a form of healing. Or it could point to severe physical ailments. Stay away from doctors—try some sort of Shaman.

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