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April 11-24, 2019

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Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

The full moon in Libra has you wondering—“How could I possibly have screwed up this badly?” Excellent question. In the history of screwing up, you have just posted a real doozy of a month. It all falls apart so quickly, you develop nauseating headaches and some strange sort of stomach ailment.


Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

The stars and planets will affect your life in ways that aren’t even close to being printable.


Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

It’s your birth month, and the whole world celebrates your presence. Pluto pulls with force, but the stars have little power over your positive attitude and your appreciation of all the beauty in the world.


Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Congrats—this month isn’t so bad after all. Your incredible gift of helping family and friends is appreciated by all. The love you receive is overwhelming. Your days are glorious, and your evenings filled with laughter, song and wine. You are healthy, happy and wealthy in the glow of reciprocal love.


May 22 ‑ June 21

Saturn plays the solid, conservative planet this month. Take heed. Take no chances—on anything. Caution is your key word. All weekdays pose problems. Lucky number is 1714. The color green doesn’t signify money, it portends death and destruction. Careful.


June 22 ‑ July 22

The stars and planets will not affect your life in any way.


July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Jupiter spirals out of control. Aside from that, you are in for another humdrum period of boredom and ennui. Do not let the senseless path your life has taken dominate your thoughts. That would be counterproductive to your health.


Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Finally, a decent forecast. God knows you deserve a break. Pluto is playful this season. So are you. Enjoy childlike wonders and simple pleasures. You’ll find peace in the outdoors. You’ll enjoy family and friends and wonderful evenings under a peaceful sky. Deep breaths. Next month doesn’t look great.


Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Your successes are difficult to quantify in part because you’ve set some sort of world record in terms of a victory streak. It continues. In life, relationships, finances, friendships, health, and love…you are a champion. A special champion unlike any to ever exist in all of history. You manage to take it in stride in your normal, humble manner.


Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

The stars and planets will not affect your life in any way.


Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

The stars and planets will hardly affect your life in any way.


Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

If life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Heard that before? You don’t have any idea how to make lemonade, you dunce. Mercury goes direct, and you haven’t got a clue what to do about it. Your life spirals this way and that, and you get dizzy and vomit all over everything and then you pass out. Best to lie very still.

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