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Horrorscopes

March 28-April 10, 2019

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Mercury comes on strong, bringing an uncomfortably close scrutiny to your every move. Be ridiculously nice to everyone. Chips are about to fall, and you’ll wish you could depend on friends to help you through this disastrous period. Alas, friends have always been hard to find for Aquarians.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

Neptune is wandering the heavens as though it’s lost. You will suffer from an onslaught of ennui that leaves you pondering the reason for your existence. If it helps to hang on to your ragged belief in some mystical religion, do that. You don’t have much of a background in reasonable, common sense life lessons to pull you out of a cavernous, deep depressive state.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Warm, gentle breezes. Multicolored flowers. Azalea and camellias. Peach and pear trees bloom. Longer days and milder nights. It’s a beautiful spring for Aries, and nothing but blue skies in the future.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Venus flits around this spring, causing you to reconsider life. You have difficulty making decisions. You show tremendous doubt in following your intuitions. This shows a light level of intelligence since your instincts are universally horrendous. Follow someone’s advice on all matters. It doesn’t matter who’s giving the advice. They’re smarter than you.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Mars barrels along, disrupting any sense of normalcy you might have exhibited. You’re a loser, and the only way to play your hand is to bet against it. Always. If you could find a bookie that would take a weird bet, bet against yourself at every turn.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

Normally, when travelling, you need a picture ID, a credit card, some cash and a cellphone. With Venus moving into Pisces, you need a contingent of highly paid mercenaries to surround you. You think life sucks when you’re at home? Take a trip and experience nightmarish events that will be newsworthy.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Mars shoves its way into Gemini, and you’ll feel that power burble through your gut. It’s not gas or indigestion or even an ulcer. It’s not worms or exotic parasites. You’ll experience gastric pains and unseemly body odor and loud, noisy emanations that will render you immobile. Dark rooms or dungeons will lend minimal comfort.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Calling what you experience “mood swings” is like calling a cataclysmic family disaster a “bump in the road.” They haven’t invented a name for the emotional disorder you experience. But you don’t swing from high manic states to low dismal depths. You stay low. Way, way low.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

If there was only one sign, the entire world wishes it were Libra. What a relief it would be for everyone to wake up just one morning and understand the joy and power of being born under the sign of beauty, love and justice. The greatest world leaders—and you can look this up—have been Libras. I’m pretty sure there’s something about this in the Bible.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Neptune is nuzzling around in Mercury and your perceptions of right/wrong, good/bad, and safe/dangerous are not trustworthy. Decisions regarding business, romance, health and the future will be made in error. When you’re forced to make a decision, consult the I Ching or throw a dart or something. You’re terrible at making decisions anyway.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

You like travel, excitement and frolicking adventures. Who doesn’t? You won’t like any of those things after this month. Travel probably will lead to criminal charges. Frolicking leads to a prison sentence. Stay home. Avoid excitement. Stay away from frolicsome fun, whatever that might be.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

Pluto throws its weight around, bumbling through your world like a bully in grade school. Toughen up in all areas of your personality. Don’t be such a wuss when people criticize you. People will complain about you behind your back and to your face. Their complaints will be 100 percent justifiable.

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