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Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes – March 14-27, 2019

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Saturn wanders around the planets, and your life falls apart very quickly. You’ve always thought highly of yourself. How’s that working now? If you are capable of holding your head high now, you’re living in some kind of alternative universe from your fellow man.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

Mars and Jupiter conjoin and spin off big energy. Energy can be positive or negative. Guess which one you get delivered in a monstrous load? You can’t muster a positive action or thought. At least you could try to be nice to people. That’s way beyond your capability. You need to move to a really rural area.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Mars is in charge, and your energy and focus surges. New endeavors are overwhelmingly successful—try anything you want, it will succeed. Relationships flourish. Good deeds are rewarded. Springtime is sweet for Aries.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Mars causes chaos throughout your year. You tend to charge full-speed ahead when you need to put on the brakes. You’re easy when you should be tough and mean when you should be fair. You careen from one half-baked idea to the next. You need to load up on liability insurance.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Pluto and Jupiter are in a fierce battle. You will be, too. Boats sink. Cars crash. Airplanes fall from the sky. Stay away from the numbers 2, 3, 5, 7, 8 and 9. Weekdays are horrific. Limit travel within a mile of home. Travel between 6 and 6:30 AM is the least problematic.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

Mercury is in retrograde. Chaos in all aspects of life continues. Exercise until you are exhausted—but don’t exercise in the water, on land, or in a gym. Allergies appear from nowhere. And they are severe. On the plus side, love life is non-existent.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Mars erupts through the all aspects of life. You’ve been digging a hole for so long you can’t stop. There’s no way to climb out—try digging a tunnel. Horrific images of satanic violence appear in dreams and in real life. Maybe it’s best to keep digging the hole.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Mercury is flitting all over the place. It’s impossible to achieve any kind of stasis. Internal organs become inflamed. Inflammation is bad. Two Aleve in the morning and at night will only help for a short period. Take ice baths and enjoy them.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Here comes Uranus, your old pal. You have always been able to rid life of the fluffy stuff. Material possessions have never ruled your world. Friends and family surround you daily. You walk through life like a champion show horse. You are a prancer.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Lower expectations—way low—and you might survive. Work sucks. Play sucks. Relaxation is nonexistent. Rid yourself of all fantasies of success. Stay away from the numbers 1, 2, 6 and 9. Avoid the colors green, blue, red and brown. Do not go out on Thursdays or Saturdays.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Jupiter causes you to fall into a deeper funk than usual. That’s pretty deep. You’ve tried medical marijuana, and that was a complete nightmare. You were insecure before you puffed on weed that had 24 percent THC. Seek talented professional help.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

Saturn brings disappointment, and Pluto carries huge sadness. Your world is full of babbling idiots who won’t shut up. You want to pull your hair out. It won’t help. Try the gummy bear marijuana things that kick in and you can’t shut off. It won’t help, but you’ll be fun for your friends to watch. Sorta like a train wreck.

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