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Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes – Feb. 28-Mar. 13, 2019

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

You are under the water sign. How apt. Water is not your friend when it rises very quickly, catching you in an impassable arroyo. Muddy water racing south. Already full of flotsam and dead animals of all varieties. The water rises to your chest, your neck, and then you are covered. Three minutes without air…that’s all it takes.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

The people you thought were friends aren’t your friends. The banks that loaned you money want it back. The people who used to work for you will not work for you anymore. The people who used to laugh with you aren’t laughing now. The full moon in Virgo understands this. It shines a bright light on a continuous run of calamities.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

The Mars and Uranus connection creates a special time for you to consider the wonderful things life has offered and the many ways you have positively influenced others. You’re in the zone, seeing things clearly and thinking of all the wonders life offers. All numbers are lucky. All days of the week are productive.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Mars continues to rampage through your sign. So much of life has been an uphill slog lately…it now becomes a hair-raising descent into the bowels of hell. You ever see the Tour de France cyclists careening around downhill curves at 50 MPH? Get ready. And it all leads to nothingness.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

If you feel defeated, depleted, dejected and de-energized, it’s due partly to the new moon in Aquarius. It’s also due to your inability to cope with normal day-to-day situations. You’ve made mountains out of molehills for so long you’ve lost a rational sense of the difference between washing the dishes and having a loved one cremated.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

You’ve set the bar for accomplishments so low that for years you celebrated a ridiculous series of “successes.” Getting your dog groomed is not a triumphant act. Finding the remote control might make you more comfortable, but it’s not a great achievement. Preparing a bowl of cereal for breakfast is not going to qualify you for stardom. Loser.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

You’re on the move, going places, and you feel content. YOU’RE GOING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION, AND YOU’RE GOING TO ALL THE WRONG PLACES! You’re not just going to places that are boring and mundane, YOU’RE GOING TO PLACES THAT WOULD SCARE THE BEJESUS OUT OF ANY SANE PERSON! Stop that. Now.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

The Virgo moon gets in order but you fall apart day by day. Your paranoia hits its stride. You’ll wonder whether people will try to poison you. They will. You’ll fear that friends and family are trying to defraud you. They are. You’ll suspect that someone plans on fitting your car with a bomb. Have someone you don’t like start your car for you.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Your dreams aren’t much different from your reality because of your innate ability to turn wishes into action. Your accomplishments can’t be quantified, because the enormity of your body of work is unprecedented. To your credit, you accept the cavalcade of praises that come your way in an “aw, shucks” manner.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

You’ve never been much on sharing. So if you think that anyone is interested in you sharing your endless tales of woe, misfortune and mistreatment, you are so very wrong. You’re a downer. The only downer anyone ever partied with was Quaaludes, and that was in the 1970s.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Oh, you’ve got ideas. Lots of them. But no one things that your plan for a vegan cupcake/gluten free pretzel/frozen goat’s milk yogurt store is a good one. You not only misread the public’s taste for stupidity, you mistake your idiotic ramblings for impactful prose.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

You have a certain gift for stabilizing people around you. You have the ability to get disparate people to come to agreement. You help people form a consensus. The united front that you are able to get people to join is one that is absolutely positive that you are an imbecilic moron. A large group of educated, civilized people would pay money to see you attacked by a band of sick coyotes as though you were a crippled, musty farm animal.

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