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Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Stay way away from romantic liaisons. They might seem promising and exciting, but once again they’ll turn out to be gross and, quite possibly, violent and musky. Mondays, Wednesdays, Saturdays, and Sundays are all fraught with danger. Lucky number is 613.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

Your best bet for love and affection is to get a dog or a goat. They have them at your local animal shelter. When you get one, you can stop people on the street and tell them all about your “rescue” animal and how great you are. Unfortunately, a village idiot can tell that you are unstable and seeking approval from the wrong people in the wrong places.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

The full moon in Virgo has strong pull this month. Not much for you to do except enjoy life in all its glories. The weather warms, the winds turn gentle and your enjoyment of life is at an all time high. Just be you—the world enjoys you every minute of every day.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Mars waddles into Taurus and that’s never good. On the outside you try to maintain a calm demeanor that gets harder as your guts spiral into a knot of tension, constricting bowels and bleeding ulcers. Not a good time for a colonoscopy. Take care of matters at home and work or your colon will explode.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

The movement of Mars creates such strong waves of nausea and vertigo that you won’t know whether you are sick or dizzy or dying or just have the urge to vomit. You probably are sick since you don’t exercise, you eat too much and your hygienic protocol is nonexistent. You have a lot of personal inventory to deal with—lots of work to do.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

You’ve desperately needed a plan since Uranus entered Aries almost a decade ago. You life has been in free fall and that descent is about to speed up. You need someone else to come up with a plan—you’re not good at planning. Find someone who has even a smidgen of success to get you started. Quickly.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

The new moon in Aquarius has you thinking about travel. DON’T TRAVEL! A change of landscape won’t help what ails you. Your smutty, depressing attitude travels with you. What you need is a personality transplant. Quit being so negative…although in your case negativity is called for.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

You’re used to lots of love, but as you know, it’s the wrong kind. You keep attracting partners who want you to freak it up a little too much. Kink is one thing, but your sex mates’ tendencies run toward the danger spectrums. I’ve seen pictures of you that at first don’t seem possible or fun. Or safe.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

It’s all good for the mighty Libra. You shine in such a variety of situations. Finance, romance, nuance, and pure chance are all in fine form. You excel in athletic, artistic and equestrian activities. You are an inspiration to so many people in so many arenas, it’s mind blowing.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Everything happens in fits and stops. Your timing sucks, so you don’t know when to finish something or when to start something else. You buy high and sell low. You’re a day late and a dollar short. You were born in the wrong century, and the past and future centuries wouldn’t have been any better. You’d be better off in the dark ages when they had plagues and stuff.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Your lifestyle has been so incredibly boring for decades, but now you have a little chance for adventure. DON’T DO IT! You do not need anything new. Stick with boredom. Life’s short—it’ll be over soon enough without mucking it up with excitement and thrills.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

Things have been chaotic during the year of the blood moon. They’ll get less chaotic and more chronic. That’s good. The last thing you need is to yo-yo up and down with emotions. Just stick with a blasé approach to everything. It’ll be sad and lonely, but at least it will be a stable kind of funky malaise.

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