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Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Everything becomes intense. Uranus moves into Taurus in a few months. Intensity is what you want—it’ll heighten your enjoyment of every aspect of life. Your roll will feel like a strong surge of MDMA that never ends…there’s no coming down for Aquarius. It’s all upside.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

All past mistakes are forgiven. You get on a roll of successes that Tom Brady can’t compete with. You shine in all aspects of life. There is a glow about you that brings joy to everyone you meet. You are a champion in everything you attempt. So get busy, get out there, and go get ‘em.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Mars is still in Aries, and your record setting pace of just being awesome continues. As always, you set an example for everyone through your kindness, good humor, intelligence and joie de vivre (I don’t know what that means, but it’s French and sounds cool).


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Surprise surprise. You’ve suffered enough. Something about the Capricorn new moon and life changes for Taurus. All good things coming your way. Investments, romance, work rewards, health…everything swings positive for Taurus. Fingers crossed that it lasts.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Your life is about to read like a romance novel—a beautiful, sweet, well written novel. Except it’s real life! Don’t ask me what happened. It’s in the stars. Family matters straighten out. Health improves. A love life blooms in the most unexpected way. xoxoxo


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

The recent lunar eclipse has you all shook up. FOR THE BETTER! Work becomes rewarding. You receive raises and accolades. Your children get better looking. People applaud you when you walk through the aisles of Target. A remarkable turnaround for Cancer.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

You ditch your propensity for broadcasting bad news. Because there is no more bad news for Leos! You move into a beautiful new period. Unexpected money appears. Romance from the past flames up. You look better and feel better, and somehow you manage to get a lot smarter.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Don’t ask me how (ask the stars), but Virgos have turned a major corner. Mars, Venus and Mercury enter your sign, and you become a beautiful example of humanity. Your capacity for compassion is enormous. You do good works. Your love life flourishes. You have a positive energy you’ve never had before.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

It’s the end of the road for Libras. The streak is over. The downfall of being undefeated is that when the run is finished, the denouement is brutal. You’ve done nothing wrong, and there is nothing you can do. It’s the stars, my friend, and they are very angry.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Whatever it is you want, whatever it is you need…you got it! Have big dreams, reach for the sky—all is within your power. You can’t help but be positive—nothing but goodness and reward heading your way. Breathe deep, relax and enjoy your successes on all fronts.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

It’s all about love and happiness. The Jupiter retrograde won’t affect you because your karma is so strong you are in total control. Matters involving love, money and success of all kinds follow you around like a rescue puppy.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

Dreams aren’t even dreams anymore. They all come true! So sleep tight and think lovely thoughts. Your ruler is Saturn, and he must be in good spirits. You are in for the ride of your life.

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