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Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

You’ve heard “To whom much is given, much is expected”? Not in your case. For one, you weren’t blessed with much in the way of wit, wisdom, common sense or a winning personality. For another, you’ve let down people your whole life—not much is expected to change.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

The new moon in Capricorn could help with your vision of yourself and your future. But it won’t. Your myopic approach to the world prohibits you from seeing what’s around the corner. Everything around the corner is frightening. Avoid weekends and Wednesdays. Even numbers and 3 and 5 are not good for anything in your world.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Aries hosts Mars—yippee. Everything clicks for Aries. Short term goals—check. Midterm goals—check. Long term goals—check, check, check. Relationships with friends and family—superb. Financial matters—off the charts. Health and fitness—excellent marks across the board. Kick back and relax, and enjoy the beauty of a life well lived. You deserve it.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

The Capricorn moon means your life will be in a dizzying spiral of near-doom. Do not trust anyone. Do not sign anything. Avoid domestic pets and unusual wild animals. Watch out for Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. The numbers 3, 6 and 8 will have horrific implications.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

If you feel nauseous, it could be because Venus just joined Jupiter. Your technique of buying high and selling low catches up with you. Your obsession with appearance, money, success and frivolity has put you in a disastrous situation. Accept your station in life—obesity, failure and poverty. You won’t be happy, but maybe you can sleep at night.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

The solar eclipse in Capricorn is an omen of fearful circumstances involving blood, disease and broken bones. Maybe a hip. You strive for security, but you won’t find it anywhere, at any time, in any aspect of life. Your lucky number is 961. Your lucky flower is strongylodon macrobotrys. It grows in the jungle of the Philippines.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

For God’s sake, don’t be honest with yourself or anyone else. Honesty is NOT always the best policy. The adage “the softest pillow is a clear conscience” does not apply to you. Here’s another half-assed suggestion: “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” In your case, don’t ever promise anything. Even to yourself. Stay away from water, wooded areas, crosswalks and buildings taller than three stories.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Meditation, yoga, ice baths, floating in salt water…it’s all a hoax. The last thing you need is quiet time to “get in touch with your self.” THAT you don’t want to do. Frequent noisy, complicated spaces that force you to think about anything…EXCEPT YOURSELF. It might be time to assume someone else’s identity. I know some people who can help with that.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

You are that rare type who plants trees knowing that you’ll never live long enough to enjoy the shade. The world is desperate for more Libras. There is a strong movement to encourage people to procreate in December so that the majority of people worldwide will be Libras. OH, HAPPY DAY! You make us all proud.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

The lunar eclipse will cause distress, consternation and depression. You have done a remarkable job of dumbing down and redefining success. You’ve set the bar so low for yourself and harbor such pitiable expectations that a modicum of success should be attainable. Alas, you must lower the bar so that only a snail-type slug thing can squirm under it.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

The eclipse in Capricorn wreaks havoc on any ideas of normalcy in your life. Simple things like taking the garbage out, feeding the pets, making your bed, cleaning your revolting hovel of a house…all these things are beyond reach. Maybe book a trip to India to one of those ashrams where you don’t speak or do anything for about a month. It can’t hurt.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

You’ve experimented with different sedatives to try to escape the freakish nightmares that plague you throughout the night, to no avail. The eclipses scattered throughout the planets turn darkness into a bleak, revolting, horrific hell. The best option is to forego sleep. You might be crankier than normal, but you should be able to accomplish some menial tasks.

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