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Notes from the Apocalypse

Charles in Charge (of Everything)

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By Charles Morgan III

 

Many people have told me this. I hear it all the time. Important people. Smart people.

 

What they tell me is that they are in the process of creating a position in the Okaloosa County government that will be called Chief Ombudsman in Charge of Everything.

 

These people—many of them very smart and wealthy individuals—are encouraging me to seek this office. The reason? They know, as I do, that I know more about how to run a county than anybody. I also know more about the military than the generals. I know more about the economy than the economists. I know more about technology than anyone.

 

I am highly educated, and they know that I am smarter than everyone else. I know words. Big words. I know more about construction than the builders, and I know more about traffic than those DOT guys in Chipley. I don’t know if this will help, but sometimes I know more about betting on college football than other people.

 

Don’t worry—the county commission, the school board, and the Tourist Development Council will still exist. Sorta. They will have the opportunity to play a small role in our future…by making suggestions to me. They will have absolutely no power except on the rare occasions that I might possibly entertain their opinion on an issue. ALL decisions will be mine. You can say bye-bye to gridlock.

 

SCHOOLS

There will be changes in the school system. Teachers’ pay will double over the next four years. The best teachers’ pay will triple over that time. The teachers who do not perform well will have to find another job.

 

Arts will be re-introduced to our schools. Music, theater, dance and art will be taught in all schools. Christianity will not be taught in public schools—however, a history of Christianity and of all the world’s religions will be part of the curriculum. Kundalini yoga and transcendental meditation will be offered.

 

Lunch will be a little different. No more sloppy joes, but lots of hummus, tofu, kale, cauliflower, broccoli, and for special treats…Brussels sprouts.

 

Recess will no longer involve kickball and mindless wandering around. There will be 60 minutes of strenuous exercise everyday. It will primarily involve running, sit-ups, push-ups, and pull-ups. And maybe side-straddle-hops for fun.

 

TRAFFIC

Not only will we not be adding lanes to our highways, we’ll be subtracting them. Widening our roads is like a fat man loosening his belt, but that’s not happening here anymore. We won’t be speeding traffic up, we’ll be slowing it down.

 

There will be more pedestrians and bicyclists. There will be a massive increase in public transportation—including ferries—primarily to get people to and from work. There will be tolls for thru-traffic. We will do everything possible to discourage the use of automobiles.

 

TDC

The TDC will carry on raising funds, but it won’t operate in quite the same way.

 

Its paid staff will consist of one bookkeeper. There will be no more advertising alerting people to the fact that we have white sand beaches. If they don’t already know that, we probably don’t need them as visitors. All of the more than $20 million raised annually by the TDC will go to increasing teachers’ pay, getting rid of traffic, planting trees and creating public beach access.

 

This will also allow the Economic Development Council to disband. We will have the best school system in the state of Florida within four years. That will draw far more new business to our county than the tax breaks we currently offer.

 

In addition to shrinking the TDC, county commission and school board positions will be held by unpaid volunteers. Remember, all they will be capable of doing is offering advice…to me, which I don’t really need anyway.

 

I can promise you that there won’t be any misuse of public funds in this county anymore. To insure this, any public figure that mentions “fiscal responsibility” and doesn’t mean it will be publicly flogged in an ancient Roman-style setting.

 

There is a caveat to all of this. I will not accept the nomination for this position—and I refuse to serve in any way—unless I am given the next $20 million from the TDC to build a wall along our beaches to protect our properties. The public beaches can be somewhere far away from our private beachfront properties owned by many of my hard working American supporters.

 

Our beaches are now overrun by all kinds of people—many brutal rapists, killers, vicious rapist-killers, drug people and MS-13 scumbags. We don’t even know who all these people are. But we know that our women are frightened.

 

You know what? We need two walls. Because right now these rapist people and their drugs can attack us from the water AND COME RIGHT UP ON OUR BEACHES. Yes, we need two walls—one on the north side of the beachfront properties and one of the south side.

 

I know more about walls than anybody. And construction. It can be made of concrete, or steel slat things, or creosote wood stuff, or barbed wire for all I care.

 

Let’s make Okaloosa County great again.

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