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Horrorscopes

Dec. 20, 2018-Jan. 16, 2019

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

The full moon is on the 22nd. Get out in the streets of a big city. Wander around. See what street life is like. Try it on for size. You think you can survive a night on the streets of West Chicago? Best of luck, because you are one missed rental payment from being in one of those cardboard boxes with teenagers shooting at you just for the fun of it. You’ll discover some adrenaline, but just for a short period.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

If you feel vulnerable because of Venus and Neptune dancing around, that shows that you haven’t gone totally insane. YOU ARE VULNERABLE! There is almost nothing that is not a legitimate threat to your sanity, well-being and survival. Forget about eating healthy and exercising. It is WAY too late for any of that. Hunker down. Hide. Hope it all goes away. And steer clear of the numbers 3, 5 and 9. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Saturdays should be avoided.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Mercury goes direct this month, and everything seems magical. You draw out the best in domestic animals and darling children. Family and friends adore you. Your phenomenal energy radiates throughout your sphere. Your humor and kindness remain abundant and act as a lesson to those less blessed. Take no steps for personal improvement—you’re close to perfect already.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Venus enters Scorpio, and life as you know it is forever changed. You think you know what romance is? Hang on. You know what the penalty for bigamy is? Two wives. Same thing with girlfriends. Check into a Tibetan monastery and take a vow of silence for a year. It’s by far the best alternative.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Mercury enters Sagittarius on December 12 and conjoins Jupiter on the 21st, all just prior to the darkest deepest cavern of CHRISTMAS. You’ll have a hard time rejoicing about the Baby Jesus—you’ll be deep in bunker type prayer to his daddy…GOD. Your background in prayer is not sufficient to get out of the maelstrom of broken promises and frittered away fortunes that stare at you in the mirror EVERY MORNING.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

Neptune and the sun square up, and your prior fears, worries and unhappiness find traction. Just because you are a paranoiac does not mean that they aren’t out to get you. THEY ARE! Just like you suspected. You will have a grip on…NOTHING! Reprisals stemming from betrayal, theft and general badness will come so hard you’ll think you’re in one of those war-type video games…totally defenseless.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

The sun is about to enter Capricorn, and you’ll need all the imagination and ingenuity you can manage JUST TO GET OUT OF BED. DON’T DO IT1 Bed is not safe, but it’s your best bet. A walk to the bathroom to get ulcer medicine can turn into a nightmare. YOU MIGHT BREAK A HIP! Sedatives serve a purpose in the world of medicine. Load up.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Late in the month Mercury squares with Neptune. Take care of all personal matters way before December 24. A hard rain’s a-gonna fall, and you won’t find shelter from the storm. DNA testing enters your life in a way you never imagined—never hoped would be discovered—and could not have possibly prepared for. Your financial world will turn into a case study for MBAs at Wharton. They won’t know whether to laugh or cry.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Venus enters Scorpio and trines with Neptune this month, which is, of course, good news for Libras. But enough of that. The stars can collide in a frenzied meteor shower gone nuts…Libras will always survive and TRIUMPH. Prosperous times in areas of love, finance and fulfillment. Everything you attempt succeeds at tremendous levels. So try new stuff—it will cut down on victory fatigue.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

The sun squares Mars. Seek shelter. Physical structures are not safe. Seek safety from personal relationships. Remove yourself as much as is possible from society. Avoid the numbers 1, 2, 4, 6, 7 and 9, or any combination thereof. Find an attorney who is accomplished at dealing with unimaginable catastrophes. And find a priest.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Oh, great, it’s the holidays—the happiest time of the year. Face it –they’re nightmares for most people. For you, the only difference is it’s not a nightmare. IT’S YOUR EVERYDAY REALITY. The good news is the illness that’s been stalking you is not life threatening…in a sense. But it is as brutal as a sickness can be without technically involving imminent death. Avoid the number 8.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

Try to gather yourself. The Venus-Saturn sextile makes coherency impossible. Your speech will revert to that of a babbling baby. And not a cute baby either. Don’t try to explain yourself or your actions to anyone—it will come out as frightening, psychopathic gibberish. Forget about your employment—you won’t be suited to anything other than a room with soft walls. Lucky number is 1,136. All other numbers lead to horror stories.

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