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Horrorscopes

Oct. 25-Nov. 7, 2018

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Don’t do anything more dangerous than playing bridge. Tennis? Out. Walking? Out. Mah Jongg? Out. Don’t even go fishing. Your health will suffer from being homebound (preferably in the basement). Trust no one.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

Emotions intensify. This is understandable, considering that love interests get twisted and turned around. Romance blooms in such a strange, unheard-of manner that you wouldn’t believe it. You end up with love partners that strain the margins of science fiction.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Venus goes retrograde, and immediately there is a hop to your step. And there should be. All good things coming your way this month. The fall weather combines with your effervescent personality to create special events…one after the other.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

There’s a new moon on the 8th. For some, this means romance. Unfortunately for you, it means more disappointment. Save trips to the store. Buy huge tubs of ice cream. It won’t help with your weight issues or your cholesterol, but it might temporarily alleviate a continuing series of relationship disasters.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Pluto squares up with Mercury—that means you have a month of confusion that Einstein couldn’t solve. What little creativity you possess gets you in deep trouble. If you were smart, you could try to wiggle out of these uncomfortable situations. Don’t bother—it won’t work.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

This would be a great time to hide. Cancer trines Venus, and if you thought you were short of friends, wait until the full moon on the 24th. You couldn’t find a compassionate shoulder to lean on in downtown Manila. Don’t try to make new friends, because ALL strangers are out to get you.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

The sun leaves Libra, which is okay for Libras because they’re so strong. It’s not okay for Leos. Darkness prevails—over spirit, health, friendship, romance, and life in general. Brutal, inky, dense, sticky darkness that can’t be shaken.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

If anyone wants to have a “heart to heart” with you, DON’T DO IT! Nothing good ever comes from those things. Finding someone to talk to about the weather is going to be tough for you. Friends and family refuse to humor you anymore.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

You’re amazing. An almost impossible undefeated streak of greatness continues. Someone needs to explain why Libras encounter so much success, love and admiration with virtually no effort. All Libras enjoy another remarkable month of success, full of beauty and peace.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Mercury and Uranus are at war. Stay away from any financial risks (which is impossible for you). You are immobilized by fear and doubt. You should be. That shows some intelligence anyway. Don’t try anything new, and don’t keep doing the same things that have been so unsuccessful. Just don’t do anything.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

The moon conjoins Jupiter. Be careful not to break any bones (plural). Stay away from automobiles, bikes, boats or anything considered mildly dangerous. You’ll suffer from dizziness and poor balance. DO NOT break a hip—that’s painful.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

Your career is already in shambles. What else could possibly go wrong? Don’t ask. Life as you know it will do a 180. Friends become enemies. enemies become even more determined. Change your name, get a facelift, and move to a very foreign country.

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