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Horrorscopes

Oct. 4-17, 2018

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Bad month at work. Co-workers, managers, owners…they’re all out to get you. And you make it easy on them. Switch jobs immediately, and do not leave a forwarding address. Avoid telephones. Don’t open the mail. Run from any kind of personal contact.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

Venus goes stationary on October 5. You don’t want to remember, but there’s nothing good about it. Remember your last best friend? And what happened? Most things work our in life…but not everything.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

The moon conjoins Mars on the 18th, and you’ll have an incredibly strong month. Important projects ahead—all good. Accept flattery—as usual, there will be lots of it. Continue to lead with your shining example in all aspects of life.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Venus goes retrograde and things get squirrely. You’ve always been weird, but lets face it—you’re starting to really freak people out. Try to tone everything down. Being bizarre all the time is hard to pull off.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Mercury squares Pluto, which shakes things up for you. Try to stick to a simplified routine that limits your exposure to any and all things. When given a choice, take the most boring option available. You don’t handle excitement well.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

Good luck with finishing any projects. You’re not a finisher. It’s time for a serious family conversation—a heart-to-heart type of discussion. Have you ever known a heart-to-heart situation to turn out good? No.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

The full moon wrecks everything. Family, friends, romance disappear like a rancid block of ice from a fishy cooler. Only the putrid smell remains. There’s nothing around this big moon—you’ll find the most comfort among complete strangers.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

The most catastrophic occurrence in your life was that you weren’t born between September 23 and October 22. Then you’d have been a Libra, where everything always seems to be great. As it is, you’re screwed. Money is short, romance is nonexistent, and you’ll gain weight on both sides of the full moon.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Family and friends surround you with love. Your generosity is at a peak. As a result, admiration and adulation from others is almost too much to bear. But you can handle it. You’ve been down this road before. Do something special for yourself—God knows you deserve it.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

You just missed—by days—being a Libra. This will haunt you forever. The safest thing to do this month is to hide like a hermit. Nothing good will come of it, but it’s safer than being in the public domain where horrific stuff is bound to happen.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Mercury enters Sagittarius at the end of the month. Things get chilly. All relationships get weird—the good ones go south, and the bad ones ramp up like a pitiful little child at a strange carnival. Jesus. Stay away from everything.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

Avoid all people, except maybe Libras, and that’s because they’re the only ones with the kind of compassion and empathy that you’ll need. Crummy month when all you have to look forward to is a shoulder to cry on.

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