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Horrorscopes

Sept. 20-Oct. 3, 2018

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Saturn churning around does nothing for you. Aging will be like dog years in reverse. By the end of the month, you’ll look haggard at best. Losing weight is not attractive on you. Neither is more hair loss. Acne isn’t great either. Neither are boils and cankers.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

A simple misunderstanding turns into something far deeper. Asteroids are banging around, and they will cause pressure like you’ve never felt it. Avoid your penchant for trying to be the life of the party—those attempts will portray a simpering pitifulness that will freak people out.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Mars leaves Capricorn—let opportunities come to you, and there will be good things coming your way. Happiness, joy and financial rewards come in bunches. Your curiosity is always a plus, leading to new endeavors and rewards.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Venus opposes Uranus, and even though you’ve dealt with this before, it will be trying. You need to slow down. Heading into unknown territory will be frightening and counterproductive. Deep breaths. Sleep will prove elusive. Being alert will prove terrifying.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Mars is on the move. Your persuasive powers fail. You won’t be able to find anyone to eat lunch with you. A dance partner? You’ve got to be kidding. Pets sulk away in disgust. Watch a lot of daytime TV. It won’t make you feel any worse.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

If you haven’t already pissed off all of your neighbors, you will this month. You need to quit being such a pest. Take care of your own nest, or what’s left of it. Your presence alone has dropped the property values of everyone within several blocks. Time to move to a rural area.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Forget thoughts of entertaining at your home. No one would even respond to a written invitation. Remember the last party you hosted? Remember that guy at the jail? He’s still there. Stay to yourself, and avoid any thing that involves other people.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

It’s not good. The sun conjoins Mercury, and all you’ll have to go on is your instincts. And you have very poor instincts. Whether it’s investments or employment or romance, you’re not good at it. You have a hard time taking care of pets. There’s a lesson there.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

The full moon on the 24th shines light on one simple fact. YOU. ARE. SPECTACULAR. In all things, you shine on. In all aspects of life, you provide an example to everyone. Being a universally admired leader is not for everyone. You are a pioneer in this area.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

The Mercury/Mars trine is difficult for you. Your boisterous approach to even simple tasks is awkward and unattractive. Avoid decisions of import. Avoid advice to others. Stay quiet and don’t cause too much damage.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Inexplicably, you’ll find yourself in a public situation that you can’t get out of. You’ll suffer from a version of stage fright that has never been documented. It will be worse than humiliating. Consequently, stay away from any setting with more than a single person.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

You’re in for a period of intense stress. Any projects should be abandoned. Ideas should be canceled. If you end the month in the same shape you are now—which, let’s face it, is fairly pitiful—you’ll be a hero.

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