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Horrorscopes

Sept. 6-19, 2018

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Water might be your sign, but you’re going to wish your sign had something to do with high ground. Water headed your way—lots of it. Get a raft or a boat or maybe an ark. Climate change is a hoax? You’re about to find out.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

Neptune is retrograde. You’d better get busy. Quit second-guessing yourself. Any decision you make is likely to be the wrong one. Get used to it. Keep digging that hole—it’s not quite deep enough yet.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Mercury moves into Virgo—that’s always good for Aries. You should be full of confidence and happiness. Pets, children, even wild turtles adore you. In social situations, you will continue to be the life of the party. Gentle winds and blue skies.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Jealousy runs wild. Wilder than normal. You’ll be so jealous you won’t be able to concentrate on mundane matters like brushing your teeth. You’ll be so jealous you won’t know who to trust or where to hide. Paranoia is justified.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Mars is on the move. Your persuasive powers fail. You won’t be able to find anyone to eat lunch with you. A dance partner? You’ve got to be kidding. Pets sulk away in disgust. Watch a lot of daytime TV. It won’t make you feel any worse.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

This is a season of sexuality. For you it will mean a bizarre period of sexual tension. Sexuality works best when at least two people are involved. Not happening in your case. Get comfortable, try to focus, and try to enjoy yourself—in private, for God’s sake.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Well-laid plans go strangely awry. Your penchant for order and balance is obliterated. Life is a free fall. Which way to turn? Don’t ask me. They say sometimes it’s good to be lost. Well, congratulations.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

It could be worse. Mercury is bouncing around frantically. Much like you.
All that bouncing and careening into stuff can be exhausting. Take deep breaths—your constant chattering and hyperactivity freaks people out. Try nothing new. Stick to a boring path. It’s not totally safe, but it’s safer.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

You entertain Saturn this month. Always good news. Your fair, equitable approach to life and all things living are on display. Huge accomplishments? Check. Passionate, rewarding friendships? Check. Financial and physical health? Check. WINNING? Check!


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Lots of energy this month! Unfortunately, it’s misplaced. You spend time on one losing endeavor after another. Meanwhile, opportunity slips right by. You have an amazing knack for attracting ferociously bad ideas. If you have any stock market tips or football picks, get word to me. I’m going the other way.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Make no plans—they’ll be disrupted. Make no new friends—they’ll be traitors. Make no trips—they’ll be disastrous. Stay away from work—it’ll be ugly. Avoid invitations—they’ll wind up gross and violent. Watch a lot of Dr. Phil on TV.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

You’re bored and want to find something new. DO NOT DO THAT! Stay bored. It’s not that bad—certainly not as bad as anything your might try to get out of your current rut. Ruts aren’t so bad either—better than careening far off the road, over a cliff, and deep down into a muddy river.

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