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Horrorscopes

Aug. 23-Sept. 5, 2018

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Romance may be heading your way, but unfortunately it is a weird romance you tried to end many years ago. There is no escaping the confrontations you’re about to face. Excellent time to travel abroad, except that would be fraught with danger.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

Mars is no longer retrograde. You will find that you are quite similar to people who you once thought were heathens. Even your once true friends will disappear. There’s nothing anyone can do to help you. Buckle up.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

This month there is a Mars-Uranus square. The planets can’t change your life the way they change others. The grass is green underfoot, and the sky is blue up above. You feel stronger and more secure with each passing day. All things are going your way now.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Issues you hoped were long past are back—front and center. This time they bring legal and financial consequences. They are unavoidable. You’d better bring your lunch—you’re in for a brutal cross-examination. Lucky number is 549.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

Your intuition sucks. Nothing you expect to happen actually happens. Lots of things you don’t anticipate haunt you every hour of the day. Try very hard to hide. Unlucky numbers—2, 3, 5, 7 and 8. Lucky number—1,314.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

Mercury is never good for you. Neither is August 28. Please stay at home. Do not go near any large stores—Walmart, Home Depot, etc. Life is unbelievably chaotic and frightening.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

Take your time with everything. Move slowly. Don’t make any decisions of any consequence. The odds of your decisions being good ones are infinitesimally small. A light coma would be an excellent idea. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays will be problematic.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Mercury goes stationary this month. Do you know what the Dog Days of Summer will be like for you? Lethargy, suspicion, avarice and revenge will rule your world. It is not good, and there is nothing you can do to avoid a hot cataclysmic period.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Venus is in Libra all month. You will endure another month of almost constant flattery from others. That is because you are so very impressive. Accept the flattery and adulation, and move forward confidently—just as you always seem to do.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Watch your temper and hope for some breakthroughs in your personal and professional worlds. Be wary of the numbers 4, 8 and 9. Love interests remain unrequited. Heat strokes (more than one) are quite possible.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

As much as you crave rest and relaxation, stay away from home. It will be bedlam there. Your lucky numbers are 253, 567 and 876. Good luck with that—those numbers don’t come up regularly.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

The solar eclipse this month will not help anything. Your authority in all matters will be brutally questioned. You will accomplish almost nothing. Basically, it will be a wasted month. Too bad you can’t just take a really long nap.

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