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Horrorscopes

Aug. 9-22, 2018

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Long lost people in your past (people you hoped would stay in your past) come to visit. And they won’t leave. You won’t know what to do. You’d call the police if you could conjure up a crime. That’s a no-go. These people aren’t criminals—they’re just mind-numbingly boring.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

Everything gets very complicated. You’ll wonder what you did to deserve such nightmarish events. Drink heavily and if you have access to any legal, recreational drugs, try that—it can’t hurt. Check with your personal physician first, though. Of course.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Mars and Uranus are close—that’s always good news for Aries. You’ll have smooth sailing, a light breeze at your back, sunny skies and beautiful sunsets. All aspects of life are positive and show no signs of changing.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Venus trines Mars, and that won’t be pretty. Your work life will only seem marginally bad compared to your home life. Spend time in a library, a rural stream, a secluded mountaintop…somewhere you can avoid ALL people.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

The full moon at the end of the month brings bad tidings. Avoid travel. Do not stay at home. Don’t participate in any large gatherings. Definitely don’t spend time alone. Not many good options.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

The solar eclipse brings chaos. It’s a race to see what falters first, your finances or your romances. It’s not pretty. You might have two good days this month. Maybe not.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

You have a tendency to complain. Endlessly. It’s not attractive, and it may have something to do with your lack of friends. You don’t have to be positive—that would be asking too much. Maybe just be real quiet.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

You don’t need pets, friends or hobbies. What you need is a massive evaluation of your demeanor and general existence. You have a hell of a time trying to take care of yourself. You do not need more challenges.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Venus came on board August 6 and life got even better. All aspects of your world bloom with opportunities. Friendships, work, and leisure activities all turn even more spectacular than normal. And you know all about spectacular.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Don’t even think about going to parties or events of any kind within two days of the full moon. Terrible, frightening things happen on full moons. Good things happen also, but not for you.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Family becomes almost unbearable. Since you like to think of friends as family, they become annoying, too. Excellent time for a mountainous hike or a very long sailing trip. Solo.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

Something has been bothering you for a while. Your worries were justified. Bad deeds come home to roost. Be a hero—don’t let your bad vibes inflict pain on others.

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