Connect with us

Horrorscopes

July 26-Aug. 8, 2018

Published on

AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

Waterboy. Always around, lightly benefiting others. Others who just want a little sip of water. Jeez. It’s a good thing you’re friendly around others, because it’ll be difficult being a friend to yourself when you realize how shallow life really is.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

Too bad you don’t have gills, like a fish. Too bad you’re not a porpoise. Lung problems ahead—impossible to diagnose, strange rumblings in your airways. You tend to worry. That’s totally understandable.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Smooth sailing over a starburst sea. Light tail winds and calm waters. Enjoy all that you have…there is more coming. Love and prosperity blowing in from all directions. Fall will be a great season for Aries.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Being “bullish” is not a problem when you are on the right track. You aren’t on the right track. You’re floundering on a deeply rutted, slick as ice, nasty dirt road deep in the forest. The forest is full of weird, frightening and dangerous obstacles. Cheers!


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

You’ll wish you had a twin. Sorrow loves company, and you’ve got room for lots of company. You’ll continue to be needy and rude—bad traits for someone facing your challenges.


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

Crabs bury themselves when they’re frightened. That’s not a bad idea. Don’t try any heroic acts—that’s not your style anyway. Fright is an emotion that has some merit. That’s a break for you.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

It’s all going down! All of it! Iran. Nuclear war. Ferocious gangs from Central America. RUSSIA! Sell everything—real estate, stocks, bonds, businesses, clothes. Dig a bunker and don’t let friends share your food. Armageddon!


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

You’ve got an earth sign and you’re trusting of others. Oh, that’s just great! Excellent. You are on every scammer’s list known to exist. Don’t trust anyone, ESPECIALLY family. They are all out to get you.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

It’s win-win time for Libras. Harmony and peace. Again. To whom much is given, much is expected. But you already knew that. You lead the rally for the common good. Blue skies.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

You’re normally OK. Just barely OK. Unless you are provoked. Prepare to experience provocation in ways you’ve never dreamed of. Your hairdresser, you veterinarian, your local grocer, the guy who washes your car… They are on to your irrationally smug, condescending nature. WATCH YOUR STEP!


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

The centaur is your symbol. That’s apt because the mythology you’ve built around yourself is so ridiculous that no one takes you seriously. That’s why you like to travel—strangers take longer to see through your ruse.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

You are as stubborn as a mountain goat (your sign). You pride yourself on achievements. Good luck—there are no achievements in sight for you. They are in the past, and your frustration in the paucity of your accomplishments makes future goals obsolete.

Spread the love
Click to comment
Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of

CURRENT ISSUE

Art

Books
Community News
Dear Dawn
Dining
Events
Horrorscopes

Movies & TV
Music
Notes from the Apocalypse

Opening Remarks
Outdoors
Pet of the Issue

Stage

Trending