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Horrorscopes

July 12-25, 2018

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AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

You need to dress up in a sort-of parade outfit or pirate costume or something. Anything to draw attention to yourself. People have almost forgotten you exist. Do something really silly to at least let them know you still have a pulse.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

You like to hug everything out. Ever wonder why people shy away from hugging you anymore? Hello? Some basic hygienic care might help. Deep clean your house, your car, yourself.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

Life continues its parade of wonderful events. You get one surprise after the other, and they are all outstanding. Blue skies, gorgeous sunsets, and great food and fun. All good things coming your way.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

You don’t smile enough. If you think you’ve been dealt a short hand in life, hang on for what’s next. You’ll never see it coming because you’re so focused on a perceived slight that you’ve conjured up in your pitifully slack imagination.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

The party is over. Just like it’s over for the Belgium soccer team. At least you were at a sort-of-weird party at one time. The U.S. soccer team never even got to play. The next invite you get will be to a macabre, Goth-like, Middle Ages theme party. DO NOT GO!


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

What in the world do you have to be aggressive about? Of all people, you should be meek and pitiful. Don’t demand anything—it will make you look silly. Stay in the back of all crowds.


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

You are always so jovial and affectionate. Stop that right now. Being upbeat in these times has to be some kind of zombie-ish ignorance. Things are falling apart, and you’re going to stand there grinning? Work hard to not be ridiculous.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

You are constantly trying so hard to relax. You’re killing everyone with this inane effort. Relaxation doesn’t come naturally to you. Embrace chaos and nervousness and saunter about in a frantic manner. It suits you better.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Your call in life is to make everyone comfortable and, in your natural style, lead those around you to greatness. The path to the top is clear. You know how to get there, now inspire excellence in everyone you meet. It’s easy for you.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Positivity and optimism are difficult when you are thigh-deep in muck and sinking quickly. There isn’t much to do. You had your chance and blew it. Relax—don’t fight it. Thrashing around won’t help.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

That fire that burns within you isn’t desire or ambition. It’s an incurable form of acid reflux known as Esophageal something or other. It’s going to be tough to be outgoing when you’re burping all the time.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

You think other people are stubborn? You can’t even make the minor changes in your daily routine required to adapt to modern living. Get off the sofa, get off you soap box, get off the runaway train taking you to the sad town called Isolation.

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