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Horrorscopes

June 14-27, 2018

Published on

AQUARIUS

Jan. 21 ‑ Feb. 19

There is nothing logical or rational about the fact that YOU ARE NUMBER ONE!!! YOU WIN! You clobber everyone around you at everything you do. You are the winner of every contest. Success personified.


PISCES

Feb. 20 ‑ Mar. 20

You can read minds like some people read books. This can be very annoying. Most people admire you in such ridiculous ways that it’s almost embarrassing. But understandable, because you are one sterling piece of work.


ARIES

Mar. 21 ‑ Apr. 20

You are either a genius or telepathic or both. Maybe just a genius. Use your skills to take risky investments, crazy bets, or just spend it on frivolous stuff. There’s more where that came from. You can’t lose.


TAURUS

Apr. 21 ‑ May 21

Friends, friends, friends. Everywhere you go, you are surrounded by friends and loved ones. You are the life of every party. Don’t sleep. Don’t work. Party party party.


GEMINI

May 22 ‑ June 21

You are an expert inventor. Invent something new. It will be a huge hit and highly profitable. Then share the money with your newfound friends. When that money runs out, invent something else. What could possibly go wrong?


CANCER

June 22 ‑ July 22

You are a natural traveler. Learn languages. Practice archaeology. Fall in love. Or lie around drunk and take lots of naps. You are a leader! People want to follow you. Get crazy!


LEO

July 23 ‑ Aug. 23

You’re at your best in the heat of summer. Adopt animals. Take on foster children. Build a small village in a crummy country. You are a one-person philanthropy. You make everyone proud to be on the same earth as you.


VIRGO

Aug. 24 ‑ Sept. 23

Romance romance. Don’t be picky and double your chance for a date on Friday night. You’ll be like the fox in the hen house. You’ll be the insatiable love machine. Dance with your partners.


LIBRA

Sept. 24 ‑ Oct. 23

Take ice baths and steroids. The physical stress you endure is mind-numbing. Also, take Aleve. You tote heavy stuff on your shoulders because you are like, SUPERHUMAN strong. Only without the cape. Capes are hard to pull off.


SCORPIO

Oct. 24 ‑ Nov. 22

Who is a friend and who is a love partner? Hard to tell since you’re so cute and cuddly. Everyone adores you. Don’t get a cute puppy—that’d be too much.


SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 23 ‑ Dec. 21

Family members all turn to you because you are so smart and you’re a natural leader. You have all the answers. You are by far the smartest person in every room you enter. Take charge.


CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 ‑ Jan. 20

You are the great communicator. Give TED talks. Create lengthy podcasts. Everyone will want to know what you’re thinking because you are so smart. And good looking.

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