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Opening Remarks

Beachcomber Magazine Terms and Conditions

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Editor Manson at the recent Alter Eagles concert at the Mattie Kelly Arts Foundation’s Cultural Arts Village in Destin. According to MKAF CEO Marcia Hull, this was the biggest crowd for any show to date—approximately 2,000 our of control music fans. Concerts in the Village continue all summer long, Thursday nights at 7.
Photo by Kay Phelan.

These terms and conditions (the “Terms”) govern your access to and use of this publication (“Magazine”) and whatever pages from Thrifty Nickel, the Panama City News Herald, and other entities may have gotten stuck in here by accident or on purpose.

 

By reading any part of this Magazine, you are agreeing to these Terms and are entering into a legally binding and occasionally painful contract with Beachcomber Magazine (“The Beachcomber Media Empire”).

 

It is important that you read and carefully understand the Terms, even though we know you’re not going to. We added a couple paragraph breaks already just to make sure you stuck around this long. But… do not read the Magazine if you are not willing or able to swear your allegiance and loyalty to the Terms.

 

Any references to “you” and “your” refer to you (our legal team spent hours ironing that one out). Any references to “we” or “us” or “the privileged” refer to The Beachcomber Media Empire.

 

1. CHANGES TO THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS

We may and probably will modify the Terms from time to time, usually just to throw in more references to Charles Morgan’s restaurants and whatever murder show Editor Manson is promoting this month. We are supposed to notify you of any such changes, but will likely forget to. Even so, your continued use of the Magazine indicates your full acceptance and unconditional love of the new Terms.

 

2. USING THE MAGAZINE

A representative of The Beachcomber Media Empire may walk up to you at the beach or during happy hour, or knock on your door at any and all hours of the night, to confiscate your copy of the Magazine without offering any sort of logical (or illogical) explanation for doing so. You are obligated to nod, smile and offer said representative a beer. Preferably an IPA.

 

3. RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR REACTIONS

You alone are responsible for your reactions to the Magazine and you agree to indemnify (we don’t know what that means, either) and hold harmless The Beachcomber Media Empire and our representatives, agents and flunkies with disrespect to any claim based upon facial discomfort from said reactions. We know, it hurts when we smile, too.

 

4. YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AS A READER

You (now referred to as “Reader” in addition to “you” and “your”) are obligated under said Terms and all last-minute (as well as unwritten and/or implied) revisions of Terms to visit any and all establishments that advertise in the Magazine, spend considerable sums at any and all establishments, and keep your receipts because we’re going to check later. Reader is required under these Terms to inform employees (“them” or “they” or “those people”) of previously mentioned establishments that Reader was drawn to establishments by dazzling display ads in current issue of the Magazine.

 

By turning the page, Reader (now referred to as “Beach Buddy”) agrees to abide by and conform to all Terms (now referred to as “Commandments”), and The Beachcomber Media Empire agrees to look the other way if any Commandments are broken and/or ignored by Beach Buddy.

 

I hope you enjoy this issue, and I’d especially like to thank our team of law school dropouts (to be referred to as “Red Bull Addicts” from this moment forward in perpetuity) for their considerable contributions.

Editor Manson
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