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Opening Remarks

Washboard Aid – Or How We Can Help Franko Raise Even More Money

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If you’re picking up this issue after the May 19 street date, you missed what was certainly one of THE Beachcomberland music events of 2016. The upside is you can still donate to the Franko “Washboard” Jackson GoFundMe—details at the Frank-0-Philes Facebook page.

The Beachcomberland community has once again rallied around one of our own. Beachcomber Music Awards Hall of Famer Franko “Washboard” Jackson is in need of a liver transplant (and before you ask, no, he hasn’t had a drop since the turn of the century) and despite the so-called Affordable Care Act, the procedure won’t happen until he gets a shitload of money together up front.

 

The GoFundMe account set up for Washboard has already raised a lot of funds, and no doubt the all-star concert at Trebeache in Santa Rosa Beach — happening a couple days out as I write this — will do the same.

 

But there are other ways we can raise cabbage for our great friend Mr. Jackson. Hear me out…

 

– Get him to paint one of those flasks like he did for Bill Garrett and me for Kanye West. I’m pretty sure my close personal friend Yeezus would pay top dollar for any item with his likeness on it.

 

– Release Washboard Jackson’s Greatest Hits on Spotify and watch those fractions of pennies add up.

 

– Get the good folks at Vinyl Me, Please to do a 33 1/3 reissue of above album. I’d buy a dozen copies myself.

 

– Convince J.J. Abrams to feature Washboard’s song “Smoke a Big Joint for Jesus” in Star Wars Episode VIII.

 

– Franchise the “Washboard” character to other music and art-heavy communities around the nation. Potential Washboards would need to learn how to paint magnificent folk art and master our pal’s instrument of choice.

 

– Persuade one of the TV networks to air a reality show about Washboard. Of course, he’d have to dress up like a woman, adopt a dozen kids or gain 300 pounds to make it interesting for the yahoos that watch such programming.

 

Chris Alvarado, the great guitar maker, would have no trouble churning out a custom washboard that we could put on the auction block. Opening bid, $300,000.

 

– Washboard, consider dumping Eileen—wonderful as she is—and latching onto a Sugar Momma.

 

– Campaign hard for pseudo-Democrat Bernie Sanders. If the old geezer wins, Washboard can get his new liver for FREE. If you’re a billionaire Bern-hater, send Washboard a big fat check, and we’ll drop our support immediately.

Chris
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