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Opening Remarks

It’s the Most Taxing Time of the Year

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Beachcomber Editor Chris Manson and his pal Kay Yarbrough at a recent wine tasting event. Chris isn’t sure when or where or what it was exactly, but he certainly had a lot of fun.
Photo by Karen Monroe

By the Tax Man

 

Hello, I’m your sort-of-friendly representative from the Infernal Revenue Service. As part of our ongoing effort to collect on the thousands of dollars your Beachcomber editor Mr. Manson owes us in back taxes, we are commandeering his Opening Remarks column.

 

We will tap into his bank account and collection of rare Elvis Presley vinyl shortly thereafter.

 

For now, I would like to share some helpful tips to help you with filing your 2015 taxes.

 

New Tax Laws for 2015. As usual, there are a bunch of revisions and additions, and you can’t expect your Turbo Tax to keep up with everything (especially if you only have the FREE version, cheapskate). I urge you to visit the IRS website and download the 3,000-page PDF for a small fee.

 

This year’s deadline for filing your 2015 return is Monday, April 18. We gave you an extra three days out of the kindness of our hearts! That’s right, you have all weekend to stress out about it. You’re welcome!

 

If you need to file an extension, you have until Tuesday, April 19. The usual hefty penalties will apply.

 

If you owe us a boatload of money, be creative. Don’t release an album of unreleased songs and sell it on late night TV. Willie Nelson did that decades ago. Don’t make a bunch of bad movies. Nicolas Cage did that recently, and he’s still doing it.

 

And if we end up coming to your house and taking all your possessions, don’t cry for the television cameras. The late great Redd Foxx did that back in the day.

 

I was there, lugging one end of a velvet sofa across Mr. Foxx’s lawn, and I’m still disappointed that he didn’t grab his chest and do some Fred Sanford shtick.

 

The 2015 tax rates were calculated by a team of monkeys. We think this is as effective a method as anything we have tried in the past. Here are some highlights:

 

If you are single and earned $0 in 2015, your tax rate is 25 percent. But don’t sweat it. That still comes out to $0. (I was a math major in college.)

 

If you are single and make between $30,000 and $50,000 annually, your tax rate is 92 percent. The standard deduction is $12.50.

 

If you are single or married filing a joint return and earned $1 billion or more in 2015, your tax rate is zero. And you’re probably due a refund.

 

Anyway, have fun this tax season. Put this tabloid down and get cracking. April 18 will be here before you know it.

 

And don’t even think about supporting the Libertarian candidate in this fall’s presidential election. There’s no way that guy can win, and you’ll just be wasting your vote. If he thinks he can abolish the IRS, he’s crazy anyway. We’ve gotten too big, like the NFL.

 

Besides, you couldn’t ask for a better choice for the Oval Office in 2016. Mr. Trump and Mrs. Clinton are both first-rate. I can’t even decide at this point. I wish I could vote twice!

 

As part of this year’s campaign to make Tax Day more family-friendly, The Tax Man will be making several appearances around Beachcomberland Monday, April 18. The complete schedule is in this issue’s Events section.

 

THIS JUST IN…

The music lineup for April 17’s “Jammin’ for Junior” event at Hog’s Breath Saloon in Destin (see Events section) is as follows—Bryan Bludworth, 4-4:30 p.m.; Brandon Day, 4:30-5; Jason Findley, 5-5:45; Austin Jennings, 5:45-6:30 (hands off the tip jar, tourists); and Bo Adams, 6:30-7.

 

Also, it is apparently illegal to impersonate an agent/representative of the Internal Revenue Service, even if it is parody or satire. Hence the non-typo “Infernal” in the opening paragraph.

 

YOUR THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS

Well said, Chad (“Tribute—Kenny Oliverio,” March 24-April 6 Beachcomber)! Kenny will be missed by everyone that ever had the pleasure of meeting him.

John Gile

 

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