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Your Southern Wife

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By Sean Dietrich

 

Fellas, if you’re going to marry a Southern girl, welcome to our club. You’re about to have the best years of your once-pathetic, Cheeto-Puff-eating life.

 

And now, I’d like to talk about a few matters for your nuptial consideration.

 

Let’s get started, shall we?

 

1. Studies show that most Southern women admit to making their husbands sleep on the sofa sooner or later. It’s the way life goes. Who knows why? It might be the way you said “Pass the biscuits.” Your Southern peach didn’t care for your snide tone or the way you held your fork. Thus, you’ve ruined supper and pissed in the proverbial punch bowl, and now she’s locking the door.

 

2. Once upon a time, you had a closet. Now your wife has four—including the guest bedroom. You’re welcome to keep your clothes under the bed where the cat sleeps.

 

3. Millions of years ago, happy Southern couples watched television programs from start to finish. That’s how civilization worked. But around 1492, a bunch of wives got together and invented the DVR so they could pause and rewind. Lineal television-viewing as we knew it vanished. Now it takes seven days to watch one episode of Dancing With the Stars.

 

4. Your wife owns a billion shoes. It’s her religion. She has a pair of pumps for walking the dog and another for chopping garlic.

 

5. When your wife says, “I don’t care what we eat tonight,” beware. Studies show that low blood sugar has transformed her Southern brain into a suitcase bomb. I hate to break it to you. Your Dixie butterbean is exhibiting early symptoms of I’m-about-to-whip-your-ass-zheimers.

 

6. If you ever hear your magnolia blossom use words like, “We need to talk,” she’s about to back over you with the truck.

 

7. Your house always smells funny. No, it’s not the dog, it’s you. In fact, if it weren’t for your venison-like odor, the Yankee Candle Company would go belly-up.

 

8. Never use the word “period.” Not even when you’re talking about English grammar.

 

9. The United States Congress ruled it a federal offense for men to tamper with residential thermostats in 49 states. Only women and their mothers inherit this privilege. Thousands of males undergo public execution for flaunting this statute. In some foreign countries, like California, castration.

 

10. If you ask your honeypot “What’s wrong?” and she grudgingly replies, “Nothing,” I have good news. New evidence suggests there is indeed nothing wrong with your Southern wife, but that you’re a greasy prick for forgetting to take out the recycle bin.

 

You know the drill.

 

Hit the sofa, pal.

 

This story originally appeared at seanofthesouth.com. Mr. Dietrich’s books are available at amazon.com, and you should buy all of them.

 

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